Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They’ve experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
– Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better.
Sometimes when I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
– Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
– Rita Rudner

My husband refuses to try anything on. Even shoes. He just holds the box up to the light
and say, “Yeah, these fit fine.”
– Rita Rudner

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of women.
– Rita Rudner

Men don’t get cellulite. God might just be a man.
– Rita Rudner

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock
the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband’s early films end with a scream
and a flush.
– Rita Rudner

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain
weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause – you get to date young girls and drive
motorcycles.
– Rita Rudner

That’s why men need instant replays in sports. They’ve already forgotten what happened.
– Rita Rudner

Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, “Are we going to have sex
again?” He said, “Yes, but not with each other.”
– Rita Rudner

Buying something on sale is a special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more
it’s worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill
something on it and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?
– Rita Rudner

Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
– Rita Rudner

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were
just napping.
– Rita Rudner

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
– Rita Rudner

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn’t it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive
and unconscious.
– Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to
ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
– Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
– Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It’s fake. I requested fake. Maybe I’m paranoid, but in this
day and age, I don’t want something around my neck that’s worth more than my head.
– Rita Rudner

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the
rest of your life.
– Rita Rudner

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
– Rita Rudner

I envy kangaroos. The baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets
into the pouch, and starts to grow. I’d have a baby if it would mature in my handbag.
– Rita Rudner

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.
– Rita Rudner

I was asking a friend who has children, “What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and
it grows up to hate me, and it blames everything wrong with its life on me?” And she said,
“What do you mean, if?”
– Rita Rudner

One of my first office jobs was cleaning the windows on the brown envelopes.
– Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That
is how rich I want to be.
– Rita Rudner

Men don’t live well by themselves. They don’t even live like people. They live live bears with
furniture.
– Rita Rudner

When I was a girl I had only two friends, and they were imaginary. And they would only play
with each other.
– Rita Rudner

Men do cry, but only when assembling furniture.
– Rita Rudner

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax.
– Rita Rudner

My mom has been nagging my father to take up a sport, so he took up bird-watching. He’s
very serious about it. He bought binoculars. And a bird.
– Rita Rudner

I’ve killed so many plants. I walked into a nursery once and my face was on a wanted poster.
– Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
– Rita Rudner

I did consider liposuction at one point, but then I heard they can accidentally vaccum out
internal organs that you’re using.
– Rita Rudner

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing out their comic books, which
would be very valuable now.
– Rita Rudner

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself “Well,
that’s not going to happen.”
– Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
– Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it’s quite the
opposite: A woman having large breasts makes men stupid.
– Rita Rudner

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
– Rita Rudner

If your husband has difficulty in getting to sleep, the words, “We need to talk about our
relationship” may help.
– Rita Rudner

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
– Rita Rudner

I never know what to give my father for Christmas. I gave him $100 and said, “Buy yourself
something that will make your life easier.” So he went out and bought a present for my
mother.
– Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother’s tasted better the day before.
– Rita Rudner

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
– Rita Rudner

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. As soon as you
know this, you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.
– Rita Rudner

My husband has two beliefs in life. He believes in God, and he believes that when the gas
gauge is on empty, he still has a quarter of a tank.
– Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank. Except when it’s very busy, when they have
one.
– Rita Rudner

I was a ballerina, but I had to quit after I injured a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine.
– Rita Rudner

My last credit card bill was so big, before I opened it I actually heard a drum roll.
– Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: “This
looks much better on.” On what? On fire?
– Rita Rudner

I’m not good at math. I’ve never been good at math. I accepted it from an early age. My
teacher would hand me a math test. I’d just write on it, “I’m going to marry someone who can
do this.”
– Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the
feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
– Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called “New Car Interior.”
– Rita Rudner

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.
– Rita Rudner

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.
– Rita Rudner

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don’t think there’s really any oxygen. I think
they’re just to muffle the screams.
– Rita Rudner

I have never been molested when travelling alone on trains. I just have to say a few words
and I am immediately left alone: “Are you a born-again Christian?”
– Rita Rudner

Eating out is so expensive. I went to one restaurant and instead of having prices on the
menu, they just had pictures of faces with different expressions of horror.
– Rita Rudner

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I
recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.
– Rita Rudner

If you never want to see a man again say, “I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have
your children.” Sometimes they leave skid marks.
– Rita Rudner

When I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
– Rita Rudner

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders’ outfits get tighter and briefer, and players’
shorts get baggier and longer.
– Rita Rudner

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she assumes she has gained
weight. When a man tries on clothing from his closet, he assumes the clothing has shrunk.
– Rita Rudner

– Back to my place?
– Can two people fit under a rock?
– Rita Rudner

My boyfriend used to say, “I read Playboy for the articles.” Right, and I go to shopping malls
for the music.
– Rita Rudner

Some guys are afraid of commitment. I was playing tennis with a man and he couldn’t say,
“Thirty-love.” He kept saying, “Thirty, I really like you but I still have to see other people.”
– Rita Rudner

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I’m lying.
– Rita Rudner

Marriages don’t last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: Is this the man I
want my children to spend their weekends with?
– Rita Rudner

When I was a baby, my father used to throw me up in the air and then go and answer the
phone.
– Rita Rudner

Los Angeles is a very transient town. It’s the only place I know where you can actually rent a
dog.
– Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
– Rita Rudner

The word “aerobics” came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we’re
going to charge $10 an hour, we can’t call it jumping up and down.
– Rita Rudner

A good place to meet a man is the dry cleaner’s. These men usually have jobs and bathe.
– Rita Rudner

At the end of every year, I add up the time that I have spent on the phone on hold and
subtract it from my age. I don’t count that time as really living. By the time I die, I’m going to
be quite young.
– Rita Rudner

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue. And then you add eggs and
sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?
– Rita Rudner

As far as I know, a single man has never vacuumed behind a couch.
– Rita Rudner

My friend is so into recycling, she insists on marrying a man who’s been married before.
– Rita Rudner

One of my friends told me she was in labour for 36 hours. I don’t even want to do anything
that feels good for 36 hours.
– Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn’t want him to.
– Rita Rudner

If a man says, “I’ll call you,” and he doesn’t, he didn’t forget, he didn’t lose your number, he
didn’t die. He just didn’t want to call you.
– Rita Rudner