I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast.
Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.
– David Letterman
It was so hot today I went to a cash point machine just to enjoy the feel of a cold gun
against the back of my neck.
– David Letterman
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy
wind?
– David Letterman
Be suspicious of any doctor who tries to take your temperature with his finger.
– David Letterman
Today, the LA Times accuse Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I’m telling you,
this guy is presidential material.
– David Letterman
The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne – out of the toilet.
– David Letterman
President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can’t pronounce
Schwarzenegger.
– David Letterman
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
– David Letterman
The Catholic Church has a tough new policy on child molestors: three strikes and you’re a
cardinal.
– David Letterman
New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you
shouldn’t make a sudden move.
– David Letterman
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has
sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he’s also given them a gift certificate for future
nuclear secrets.
– David Letterman
I’m an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.
– David Letterman
Labour Day is a great American holiday that people celebrate by going out and buying
products made in China.
– David Letterman
They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
– David Letterman
Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the
trees.
– David Letterman
Obesity is now a problem in the navy. They’ve created a new rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.
– David Letterman
The senator got so tired on the campaign trail that he started kissing hands and shaking
babies.
– David Letterman
Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That’s bad news – they may have a nuclear
bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
– David Letterman
The morning after I had my heart bypass, the doctor called and said, “Soon you’ll be able to
have sex.” I said, “I’ve heard that for years.”
– David Letterman
The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.
– David Letterman
After my bypass surgery I knew I had to change my lifestyle, and then it occured to me –
I don’t have a lifestyle.
– David Letterman
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
– David Letterman
The Japanese Prime Minister has apologized for Japan’s part in World War II. However, he still
hasn’t mentioned anything about karaoke.
– David Letterman
People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers,
sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio, the other guy took the engine.
– David Letterman
It’s so cold in New York City. Today in Central Park, I saw a squirrel salting his nuts.
– David Letterman
You know you’ve had too much to eat for Christmas dinner when you slump down onto a
beanbag and realize… there is no beanbag.
– David Letterman
We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad
news is Iraq is ours.
– David Letterman
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some jokes just
write themselves.
– David Letterman
Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don’t
know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
– David Letterman
Fine art and pizza delivery – being a talk-show host falls neatly in between.
– David Letterman
A newspaper has come out with a new survey. Apparently, three out of four people make up
75 per cent of the population.
– David Letterman
I know you’re on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?
– David Letterman
You know what I love best about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dirt – and
that’s just in the hot-dogs.
– David Letterman
Marlon Brando has lost 83 pounds. It was about time he lost weight – he was being followed
by poachers.
– David Letterman
Last Halloween I ran out of candy and I had to give the kids nicotine gum.
– David Letterman
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that
have been licked by strangers.
– David Letterman
Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, “I’ve got a doctor with
me 24 hours a day.” Yeah, that’s always the sign of a man in good health, isn’t it?
– David Letterman
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts: Konsult Kardiologist.
– David Letterman
Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen – he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby
daughter. It’s all part of Woody’s plan to grow his own wives.
– David Letterman