I went to a fortune teller. She looked at my hands and said: “Your future looks pretty black.”
I said: “I’ve still got my gloves on.”
– Tommy Cooper
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve
ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a
man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go up there and tell him
off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
– Tommy Cooper
A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. The man
says, “Doc, what can you give me?” The doctor says, “A hard-boiled egg.”
– Tommy Cooper
I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.
– Tommy Cooper
Last night, I dreamt I was eating a 10lb marshmallow. When I woke up, my pillow had gone.
– Tommy Cooper
In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for an aspirin and the girl
behind the counter said: “I’ll toss you, double or nothing.” I lost. I came out with two
headaches.
– Tommy Cooper
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One said to the other: “Does he taste funny to you?”
– Tommy Cooper
My wife was looking through a fashion magazine, and she saw a fur coat. She said, “I want
that.” So I cut it out and gave it to her.
– Tommy Cooper
I said to my wife, “I can’t eat this beef stew.” She said, “Shut up! It’s custard pie!”
– Tommy Cooper
I saw a sign on a Scottish golf course once. It said: “Members will please refrain from picking
up lost balls until they have stopped rolling!”
– Tommy Cooper
I went to the doctor the other day. I said, “Have you got anything for wind?” So he gave me
a kite.
– Tommy Cooper
One year I got a bike for my birthday. So I went peddling off down the road and knocked an
old lady down. “Can’t you ring your bell?” she said. “I can ring my bell,” I said. “But I can’t ride
my bike.”
– Tommy Cooper
Gambling has really brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.
– Tommy Cooper
My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: “I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on
their toes in long underwear.” She said: “You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.”
– Tommy Cooper
My doctor told me to drink a bottle of wine after a hot bath. But I couldn’t even finish
drinking the hot bath.
– Tommy Cooper
A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: “Would
you please blow into this bag, Sir.” I said: “What for, Officer?” He says: “My chips are too
hot.”
– Tommy Cooper
Today has been eighty degrees in the shade. I was clever. I stayed in the sun.
– Tommy Cooper
I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d
killed me.
– Tommy Cooper
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must
be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older brother Colin, or my younger
brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it’s Colin.
– Tommy Cooper
What do you call an out-of-work jester? Nobody’s fool.
– Tommy Cooper
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I
can clearly see you’re nuts.”
– Tommy Cooper
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
– Tommy Cooper
I said to the doctor, “Can you give me something for my liver?” He gave me a pound of
onions.
– Tommy Cooper
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he
put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: “If he grabs the pitchfork,
he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the
hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.” I grabbed the nurse!
– Tommy Cooper
I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.
– Tommy Cooper
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t
feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off.”
– Tommy Cooper
The producer said, “How are you feeling?” I said, “I’m feeling a bit funny.” He said, “Well, get
out there before it wears off.”
– Tommy Cooper
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
– Tommy Cooper
I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said, “Not you
again!”
– Tommy Cooper
People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t
climb a telephone pole.
– Tommy Cooper
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
– Tommy Cooper
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do
for him?” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines
his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What? Because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy.”
– Tommy Cooper
A man goes to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head. The doctor says, “I’ll
give you some cream to put on that.”
– Tommy Cooper
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: “Did you put anything on
it?” I said: “No, he liked it as it was.”
– Tommy Cooper
Phone answering machine message: “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”
– Tommy Cooper
Last week I went to a travel agent to see about my holidays. There was a big poster of
Majorca on the office wall. I said, “I want to go there.” So she pinned me to the wall.
– Tommy Cooper
This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: “I’m leaving you all
my money.” The nephew said: “Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?” He said: “Get your
foot off my oxygen tube.”
– Tommy Cooper
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.” The other one says “So are
you, you fat bastard!”
– Tommy Cooper
I told the waiter, bring me a chicken. So he brought me a chicken. “Just a minute,” I said,
“It’s only got one leg.” “It’s been in a fight.” I said, “Well, bring me the winner.”
– Tommy Cooper
Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and
thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
– Tommy Cooper
I always call a spade a spade. Until the other night, when I stepped on one in the dark.
– Tommy Cooper
A woman rushed into hospital with her little boy and said, “Doctor, my little boy has
swallowed an alarm clock.” He said, “An alarm clock? Does it bother him?” She said: “It
doesn’t bother him, but it bothers me.” He said, “Why?” She said: “Well, every time I go to
wind it up, he bites my finger.”
– Tommy Cooper
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on
the windscreen. It said, “Parking Fine.” So that was nice.
– Tommy Cooper
My wife had a go at me last night. She said, “You’ll drive me to my grave.” I had the car out
in thirty seconds.
– Tommy Cooper
When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: “Thank God,
the laundry’s back!”
– Tommy Cooper
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
– Tommy Cooper
Never tell people your troubles. Half of them are not interested and the other half are glad
you’re getting what’s coming to you.
– Tommy Cooper
I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat
off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
– Tommy Cooper
What does a kangaroo eat for breakfast? Pouched eggs.
– Tommy Cooper
I went to the doctors. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having the
same dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them
away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said, “Break my arms!”
– Tommy Cooper
So I went to the dentist. He said, “Say Aaaah.” I said, “Why?” He said, “My dog died.”
– Tommy Cooper
I went to the doctors. He said, “I’d like you to lie on the couch.” I said, “What for?” He said,
“I’d like to sweep the floor.”
– Tommy Cooper
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and
there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
– Tommy Cooper
Two fish in a tank. One says to the other: “You drive, I’ll man the guns.”
– Tommy Cooper
I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!
– Tommy Cooper
I knocked at my friend’s door and his wife answered the door. I said, “Is Jim in?” She didn’t
reply, just stood there looking at me. So I asked again. Just then a woman appeared at his
wife’s elbow. “Sorry luv,” she said. “We buried him last Thursday.” “He didn’t say anything
about a pot of yellow paint before he went, did he?”
– Tommy Cooper
My wife said, “Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.” I said,
“Chocolate fudge.”
– Tommy Cooper
I said to the chef, “Why have you got your hand in the alphabet soup?” He said, “I’m groping
for words!”
– Tommy Cooper
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
– Tommy Cooper
Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: “What’s
new?”.”
– Tommy Cooper
A woman told her doctor, “I’ve got a bad back.” The doctor said, “It’s old age.” The woman
said, “I want a second opinion.” The doctor says, “OK. You’re ugly as well.”
– Tommy Cooper
It’s strange, isn’t it. You stand in the middle of a library and go “Aaaaaaaaghhh” and everyone
just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an airplane, and everyone joins in.
– Tommy Cooper
You know what a racehorse is? An animal that can take several thousand people for a ride at
the same time.
– Tommy Cooper
I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, “Which way?”
– Tommy Cooper
Never trust an undertaker. He’ll always let you down.
– Tommy Cooper
I went down the local supermarket, I said, “I want to make a complaint, this vinegar’s got
lumps in it.” He said, “Those are pickled onions”.
– Tommy Cooper
A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.” The doctor said,
“Well, don’t go there anymore.”
– Tommy Cooper
Got a new car the other day. I pushed the horn and it went: “Woof woof.” It was a Rover.
– Tommy Cooper
I took saxophone lessons for six months until I dislocated my jaw. How did I know I was
supposed to blow in the small end?
– Tommy Cooper
I tried water polo but my horse drowned.
– Tommy Cooper
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating
fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
– Tommy Cooper
I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.
– Tommy Cooper
I got stopped again last night by another policeman. He says: “I’d like to follow you to the
nearest Police Station.” I said, “What For?” He said: “I’ve forgotten the way.”
– Tommy Cooper
I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.
– Tommy Cooper
Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane
crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
– Tommy Cooper
Went to the paper shop – it had blown away.
– Tommy Cooper
I went up into the attic and found a Stradivarius and a Rembrandt. Unfortunately Stradivarius
was a terrible painter and Rembrandt made lousy violins.
– Tommy Cooper
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain
nuts.” Well, Yes! That’s what I bought the buggers for! You’d be annoyed if you opened it and
a socket set fell out!
– Tommy Cooper