The French invented the only known cure for dandruff. It is called the guillotine.
– P. G. Wodehouse
His mouth had the coldly forbidding look of the closed door of a subway express when you
have just missed the train.
– P. G. Wodehouse
It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and
the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them.
– P. G. Wodehouse
I always advise people never to give advice.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Marriage isn’t a process of prolonging the life of love, but of mummifying the corpse.
– P. G. Wodehouse
The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right
or wrong end of the gun.
– P. G. Wodehouse
If there is one thing I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air
mine.
– P. G. Wodehouse
What’s the use of a great city having temptations if fellows don’t yield to them?
– P. G. Wodehouse
Another of these strong silent men! The world is full of us.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Some minds are like soup in a poor restaurant – better left unstirred.
– P. G. Wodehouse
He had just about enough intelligence to open his mouth when he wanted to eat, but
certainly no more.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Providence looks after all the chumps of this world, and personally, I’m all for it.
– P. G. Wodehouse
I know I was writing stories when I was five. I don’t know what I did before that… just
loafed, I suppose.
– P. G. Wodehouse
At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult
situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.
– P. G. Wodehouse
I can’t stand Paris. I hate the place. Full of people talking French, which is a thing I bar. It
always seems to me so affected.
– P. G. Wodehouse
A slight throbbing about the temples told me that this discussion had reached saturation
point.
– P. G. Wodehouse
It is no use telling me there are bad aunts and good aunts. At the core, they are all alike.
Sooner or later, out pops the cloven hoof.
– P. G. Wodehouse
A man, to use an old-fashioned phrase, of some twenty-eight summers, he gave the
impression at the moment of having experienced at least that number of very hard winters.
– P. G. Wodehouse
She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew
they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season.
– P. G. Wodehouse
I was reading in the paper the other day about those birds who are trying to split the atom,
the nub being that they haven’t the foggiest as to what will happen if they do. It may be all
right. On the other hand, it may not be all right. And pretty silly a chap would feel, no doubt,
if, having split the atom, he suddenly found the house going up in smoke and himself torn limb
from limb.
– P. G. Wodehouse
He had been looking like a dead fish. He now looked like a deader fish, one of last year’s, cast
up on some lonely beach and left there at the mercy of the wind and tides.
– P. G. Wodehouse
It was a harsh, rasping voice, in its timbre not unlike a sawmill.
– P. G. Wodehouse
I pressed down the mental accelerator. The old lemon throbbed fiercely. I got an idea.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Woman is the unfathomable, incalculable mystery, the problem that we men can never hope
to solve.
– P. G. Wodehouse
A young man with dark circles under his eyes was propping himself up against a
penny-in-the-slot machine. An undertaker, passing at that moment, would have looked at
this young man sharply, scenting business. So would a buzzard.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Has anybody ever seen a drama critic in the daytime? Of course not. They come out after
dark, up to no good.
– P. G. Wodehouse
It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern
medical thought.
– P. G. Wodehouse
He committed mayhem upon his person. He did everything to him that a man can do who is
hampered with boxing gloves.
– P. G. Wodehouse
She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built around her by someone who knew
they were wearing armchairs tight around the hips that season.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.
– P. G. Wodehouse
It is true of course, that I have a will of iron, but it can be switched off if the circumstances
seem to demand it.
– P. G. Wodehouse
It has been well said that an author who expects results from a first novel is in a position
similar to that of a man who drops a rose petal down the Grand Canyon of Arizona and listens
for the echo.
– P. G. Wodehouse
It is the bungled crime that brings remorse.
– P. G. Wodehouse
There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Everything in life that’s any fun, as somebody wisely observed, is either immoral, illegal or
fattening.
– P. G. Wodehouse
The voice of love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.
– P. G. Wodehouse
You know how it is with some girls. They seem to take the stuffing right out of you. I mean
to say, there is something about their personality that paralyses the vocal cords and reduces
the contents of the brain to cauliflower.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Intoxicated? The word did not express it by a mile. He was oiled, boiled, fried, plastered,
whiffled, sozzled, and blotto.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Statisticians estimate that crime among good golfers is lower than in any class of the
community except possibly bishops.
– P. G. Wodehouse
He trusted neither of them as far as he could spit, and he was a poor spitter, lacking both
distance and control.
– P. G. Wodehouse
As for Gussie Finknottle, many an experienced undertaker would have been deceived by his
appearance and started embalming on sight.
– P. G. Wodehouse
He felt like a man who, chasing rainbows, has had one of them suddenly turn and bite him in
the leg.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Employers are like horses – they require management.
– P. G. Wodehouse
And she’s got brains enough for two, which is the exact quantity the girl who marries you
will need.
– P. G. Wodehouse
She cried in a voice that hit me between the eyebrows and went out at the back of my head.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Just another proof, of course, of what I often say – it takes all sorts to make a world.
– P. G. Wodehouse
She snorted with a sudden violence which twenty-four hours earlier would have unmanned
me completely. Even in my present tolerably robust condition, it affected me like one of those
gas explosions which slay six.
– P. G. Wodehouse
Mike nodded. A sombre nod. The nod Napoleon might have given if somebody had met him in
1812 and said, “So, you’re back from Moscow, eh?”
– P. G. Wodehouse