I was married once – in San Francisco. I haven’t seen her for many years. The great
earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There’s no legal proof. Which
proves that earthquakes aren’t all bad.
W. C. Fields
If you don’t like the news, buy a gun and go out and make your own.
W. C. Fields
Everybody’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another beer.
W. C. Fields
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
W. C. Fields
Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the
night, she can still survive.
W. C. Fields
If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There’s no sense being a damn fool
about it.
W. C. Fields
You can fool some of the people some of the time – and that’s enough to make a decent
living.
W. C. Fields
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she’ll expect you to keep up the standard
for the rest of your life.
W. C. Fields
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
W. C. Fields
I don’t drink water. Fish fuck in it.
W. C. Fields
I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.
W. C. Fields
Don’t worry about your heart, it will last as long as you live.
W. C. Fields
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
W. C. Fields
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
W. C. Fields
When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.
W. C. Fields
I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.
W. C. Fields
Marriage is better than leprosy, because it’s easier to get rid of.
W. C. Fields
The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by
themselves.
W. C. Fields
Thou shalt not commit adultery – unless in the mood.
W. C. Fields
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.
W. C. Fields
Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising. It was the only
exercise I got.
W. C. Fields
I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing
I’m so indebted to her for.
W. C. Fields
If a thing is worth having, it’s worth cheating for.
W. C. Fields
I’d rather have two girls at 21 each, than one girl at 42.
W. C. Fields
During one of our trips through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We had to live on
nothing but food and water for several days.
W. C. Fields
– Have you any last requests before you’re hanged?
– Yes, I’d like to see Paris before I die.
W. C. Fields
Yes, I did take money from the kiddy’s piggy banks, but I always left an IOU.
W. C. Fields
It’s morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.
W. C. Fields
When life gives you lemons, make whiskey sours.
W. C. Fields
I only give to one charity, the F.E.B.F. – Fuck Everybody But Fields.
W. C. Fields
I have a poor memory for names, but I never remember a face.
W. C. Fields
– Will you join me in a glass of wine?
– You get in first, and if there’s room enough, I’ll join you.
W. C. Fields
What a gorgeous day. What effulgent sunshine. It was a day of this sort the McGillicuddy
brothers murdered their mother with an axe.
W. C. Fields
The health insurance doctor has refused to renew my health policy. The nefarious quack
claims he found urine in my whiskey.
W. C. Fields
I could juggle anything in my day: Balls, cigar boxes, knives. But I could never juggle my
income tax.
W. C. Fields
Never mind what I told you – you do as I tell you.
W. C. Fields
I gargle with whiskey several times a day, and I haven’t had a cold in years.
W. C. Fields
It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.
W. C. Fields
Few things in life are more embarrassing than the necessity of having to inform an old friend
that you have just got engaged to his fiancee.
W. C. Fields
I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’t see that old horse that used to
be tethered outside here.
W. C. Fields
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There’s nothing like having a midget for a
butler.
W. C. Fields
No doubt exists that all women are crazy – it’s only a question of degree.
W. C. Fields
The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with baited breath.
W. C. Fields
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small
snake.
W. C. Fields
If I had to live my life over, I’d live over a saloon.
W. C. Fields
Comedy is a serious business. A serious business with only one purpose – to make people
laugh.
W. C. Fields
I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.
W. C. Fields
All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.
W. C. Fields
I like children. If they’re properly cooked.
W. C. Fields
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere
else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we’ll be
seeing six or seven.
W. C. Fields
Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.
W. C. Fields
I exercise extreme self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
W. C. Fields
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s house unless they have a well-stocked bar.
W. C. Fields
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
W. C. Fields
Is this liver or am I changing a tyre?
W. C. Fields
Women are like elephants to me: Nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.
W. C. Fields
I drink therefore I am.
W. C. Fields
I don’t drink water – have you seen the way it rusts pipes?
W. C. Fields
I’m sorry, my good fellow, but all my money is tied up in currency.
W. C. Fields
Drink is your enemy. Love your enemies.
W. C. Fields
I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.
W. C. Fields
A rich man is a poor man with money.
W. C. Fields
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
W. C. Fields
All Englismen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after
swallowing them get constipated from the pits.
W. C. Fields
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
W. C. Fields
There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot
a child in the ass.
W. C. Fields
I refuse to play golf with Errol Flynn. If I want to play with a prick, I’ll play with my own.
W. C. Fields
My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do
is squeeze the juice into a glass.
W. C. Fields
A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.
W. C. Fields
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
W. C. Fields
You can’t trust water: even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
W. C. Fields
California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full
bloom and freeze to death.
W. C. Fields
I never voted for anybody; I always voted against.
W. C. Fields
My illness is due to my doctor’s insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down
helpless babies.
W. C. Fields
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
W. C. Fields
What rascal has been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice?
W. C. Fields
Show me a great actor and I’ll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you’ve
seen the devil.
W. C. Fields
Start off every day with a smile and get it over with.
W. C. Fields
Wouldn’t it be terrible if I quoted some reliable statistics which prove that more people are
driven insane through religious hysteria than by drinking alcohol?
W. C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
W. C. Fields
A man who loves whiskey and hates kids can’t be all that bad.
W. C. Fields