Children are the most desirable opponents at Scrabble as they are both easy to beat and
fun to cheat.
– Fran Lebowitz
Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good
cut of meat.
– Fran Lebowitz
I believe in talking behind peoples’ backs. That way, they hear it more than once.
– Fran Lebowitz
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he’s buying.
– Fran Lebowitz
In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism
triumphed over democracy.
– Fran Lebowitz
If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a
tail.
– Fran Lebowitz
The opposite of talking isn’t listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.
– Fran Lebowitz
Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.
– Fran Lebowitz
The terrible state of public education has paid huge dividends in ignorance. Huge. We now
have a country that can be told blatant lies – easily checkable, blatant lies – and I’m not
talking about the covert workings of the CIA. When we have a terrorist attack, on September
11, 2001 with 19 men – 15 of them are Saudis – and five minutes later the whole country
thinks they’re from Iraq — how can you have faith in the public? This is an easily checkable
fact. The whole country is like the O.J. Simpson jurors.
– Fran Lebowitz
When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is.
– Fran Lebowitz
Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
– Fran Lebowitz
The controversial overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach. This is possible,
but not attractive.
– Fran Lebowitz
My favorite animal is steak.
– Fran Lebowitz
I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one
unnecessary iota.
– Fran Lebowitz
I’ve done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you
play or or not.
– Fran Lebowitz
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.
– Fran Lebowitz
Writers have problems writing sex scenes, because writing one really well is pornography.
– Fran Lebowitz
Think before you speak. Read before you think.
– Fran Lebowitz
Do not elicit your child’s political opinions. He doesn’t know any more than you do.
– Fran Lebowitz
I often used to say, the more parties there were for a book, the worse the book was.
– Fran Lebowitz
If you read a lot, nothing is as great as you’ve imagined. Venice is. Venice is better.
– Fran Lebowitz
Children ask better questions than adults. “May I have a cookie?” “Why is the sky blue?” and
“What does a cow say?” are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than “Where’s your
manuscript?”, “Why haven’t you called?” and “Who’s your lawyer?”
– Fran Lebowitz
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is
simply a good excuse not to play football.
– Fran Lebowitz
I used to love to write. As a child I used to write all the time. I loved to write up until the
second I got my first professional writing job. It turns out it’s not that I hate to write. I hate,
simply, to work.
– Fran Lebowitz
If men knew all that women think, they’d be twenty times more daring.
– Fran Lebowitz
Not writing is probably the most exhausting profession I’ve ever encountered.
– Fran Lebowitz
Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the
heavy petting of literature.
– Fran Lebowitz
I doubt there’s ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.
– Fran Lebowitz
When someone asks, “Why do you think he’s not calling me?” there’s always one answer –
“He’s not interested.” There’s not ever any other answer.
– Fran Lebowitz
Your right to wear a mint-green polyester leisure suit ends where it meets my eyes.
– Fran Lebowitz
Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel.
– Fran Lebowitz
I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best
possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the
unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don’t know won’t
hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.
– Fran Lebowitz
To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a
taxicab.
– Fran Lebowitz
London: A place you go to get bronchitis.
– Fran Lebowitz
I woke up at five o’clock in the morning with the whole first paragraph in my head. Now, this
just shows what a slothful person I am: I tried to go back to sleep.
– Fran Lebowitz
Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step – it is an old business
procedure.
– Fran Lebowitz
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
– Fran Lebowitz
I write so slowly, I could write with my own blood and not hurt myself.
– Fran Lebowitz
I prefer dead writers because you don’t run into them at parties.
– Fran Lebowitz
Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that
what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.
– Fran Lebowitz
You’re only as good as your last haircut.
– Fran Lebowitz
Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be
counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land;
I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
– Fran Lebowitz
Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about
wine.
– Fran Lebowitz
Never judge a cover by its book.
– Fran Lebowitz
I never met anyone who didn’t have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you
wonder, when they reach adulthood?
– Fran Lebowitz
Life is something that happens when you can’t get to sleep.
– Fran Lebowitz
Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one. It’s a drug. It distorts reality, and
that’s the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
– Fran Lebowitz
I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.
– Fran Lebowitz
Success didn’t spoil me, I’ve always been insufferable.
– Fran Lebowitz
Original thought is like original sin: Both happened before you were born to people you could
not have possibly met.
– Fran Lebowitz
When you reach a certain age, suddenly there are lots of people younger than you, which is
really startling.
– Fran Lebowitz
You can’t go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you
can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
– Fran Lebowitz
Andy Warhol made fame more famous.
– Fran Lebowitz
The best fame is a writer’s fame. It’s enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not
enough to get you interrupted when you eat.
– Fran Lebowitz
A salad is not a meal. It is a style.
– Fran Lebowitz
Children are rarely in the position to lend one a truly interesting sum of money. There are,
however, exceptions, and such children are an excellent addition to any party.
– Fran Lebowitz