Steven Wright

I was pulled over by a cop for running a stop sign. He said, “Didn’t you see the stop sign?” I said, “Sure, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
– Steven Wright

I think God’s going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
– Steven Wright

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
– Steven Wright

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s five dollars a minute.
– Steven Wright

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
– Steven Wright

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
– Steven Wright

I once built a ship in a bottle. They had to break the bottle to let me out.
– Steven Wright

I just got out of hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
– Steven Wright

I was a caesarean birth, but you can’t really tell, except that every time I leave the house I go out the window.
– Steven Wright

I stayed up one night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
– Steven Wright

I took a lie detector test the other day. No I didn’t.
– Steven Wright

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
– Steven Wright

Driving hasn’t been the same since I installed fun house rear-view mirrors.
– Steven Wright

A friend sent me a postcard with a satellite picture of the entire planet taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
– Steven Wright

I used to live in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
– Steven Wright

You can’t have everything. I mean where would you put it?
– Steven Wright

First time I read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
– Steven Wright

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on televisions all over the world.
– Steven Wright

I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
– Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn’t find my socks, so I called the operator. I said, “I can’t find my socks.” She said, “They’re behind the couch.” And they were.
– Steven Wright

How do the men who drive the snowplow get to work in the morning?
– Steven Wright

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
– Steven Wright

They say we’re 98 per cent water. That means if you drink one glass of water, you’re in grave danger of drowning.
– Steven Wright

I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
– Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.
– Steven Wright

I broke a mirror in my house, which is supposed to be seven years of bad luck. My lawyer thinks he can get me five.
– Steven Wright

Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
– Steven Wright

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
– Steven Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?
– Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I’m leaving.
– Steven Wright

He’s a millionaire. He made all his money designing the little diagrams that tell you which way to put batteries in.
– Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time.
– Steven Wright

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
– Steven Wright

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
– Steven Wright

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
– Steven Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
– Steven Wright

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
– Steven Wright

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon’s appointments.
– Steven Wright

Right now, I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before. – Steven Wright

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.
– Steven Wright

Help wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
– Steven Wright

I mix my water myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don’t trust anybody.
– Steven Wright

It’s a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds die they would stay up there.
– Steven Wright

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It said it was none of my business.
– Steven Wright

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
– Steven Wright

There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
– Steven Wright

It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.
– Steven Wright

My uncle was a circus clown, and when he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
– Steven Wright

I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn’t the kind that folds.
– Steven Wright

When I was a kid, we had a quicksand pit in our backyard. I was an only child… eventually.
– Steven Wright

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
– Steven Wright

I like to tease my plants. I water them with ice cubes.
– Steven Wright

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You’d see a flock of birds fly by laughing hysterically.
– Steven Wright

I have a large seashell collection, which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen it?
– Steven Wright

Whenever I pick up a hitchhiker I say, “Buckle your seat belt, buddy, I want to try something I saw in a cartoon.”
– Steven Wright

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.
– Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest but nobody laughs, is it still a joke?
– Steven Wright

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
– Steven Wright

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
– Steven Wright

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
– Steven Wright

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
– Steven Wright

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
– Steven Wright

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
– Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.
– Steven Wright

Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
– Steven Wright

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
– Steven Wright

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, “Where the hell is my roof?”
– Steven Wright

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
– Steven Wright

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
– Steven Wright

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
– Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
– Steven Wright

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.
– Steven Wright

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
– Steven Wright

When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
– Steven Wright

A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. “You didn’t borrow this.” “I will.”
– Steven Wright

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
– Steven Wright

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I’m good, she’ll give me the other one next year.
– Steven Wright

What’s another word for thesaurus?
– Steven Wright

If it’s a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone,
somewhere is making a penny.
– Steven Wright

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
– Steven Wright

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
– Steven Wright

Smoking cures weight problems – eventually.
– Steven Wright

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
– Steven Wright

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
– Steven Wright

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was “Quote” so the last thing I said before I died would be “Unquote.”
– Steven Wright

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
– Steven Wright

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
– Steven Wright

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. “It was supposed to be hot today.”
– Steven Wright

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
– Steven Wright