Absurdity, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one’s own opinion.
– Ambrose Bierce
War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.
– Ambrose Bierce
Barometer, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having.
– Ambrose Bierce
Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
– Ambrose Bierce
Un-American, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish.
– Ambrose Bierce
Acquaintance, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough
to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when its object is poor or obscure, and
intimate when he is rich or famous.
– Ambrose Bierce
Success, n. The one unpardonable sin against one’s fellows.
– Ambrose Bierce
Democracy, n. Four wolves and a lamb voting on what to have for lunch.
– Ambrose Bierce
Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue.
– Ambrose Bierce
Consul, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure an office from the
people is given one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
– Ambrose Bierce
Pray, v. To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner
confessedly unworthy.
– Ambrose Bierce
You don’t have to be stupid to be a Christian… but it probably helps.
– Ambrose Bierce
Dawn, n. The time when men of reason go to bed.
– Ambrose Bierce
Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and
incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
– Ambrose Bierce
Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of
understanding.
– Ambrose Bierce
Genealogy, n. An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to
trace his own.
– Ambrose Bierce
Hospitality, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain persons who are not in
need of food and lodging.
– Ambrose Bierce
Mayonnaise, n. One of the sauces that serve the French in place of a state religion.
– Ambrose Bierce
Zeal, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and inexperienced. A passion that
goeth before a sprawl.
– Ambrose Bierce
Lottery, n. A tax on people who are bad at math.
– Ambrose Bierce
Belladonna, n. In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.
– Ambrose Bierce
Electricity, n. The cause of all natural phenomena not known to be caused by something else.
It is the same thing as lightning, and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the
most picturesque incidents in that great and good man’s career.
– Ambrose Bierce
Apologize, v. To lay the foundation for a future offense.
– Ambrose Bierce
Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
– Ambrose Bierce
Back, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to contemplate in your adversity.
– Ambrose Bierce
Abstainer, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A
total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from
inactivity in the affairs of others.
– Ambrose Bierce
Virtues, n. pl. Certain abstentions.
– Ambrose Bierce
Non-combatant, n. A dead Quaker.
– Ambrose Bierce
Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the
Unknowable.
– Ambrose Bierce
Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.
– Ambrose Bierce
A prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
– Ambrose Bierce
Generous, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great
multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
– Ambrose Bierce
Birth, n. The first and direst of all disasters.
– Ambrose Bierce
Divorce, n. A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
– Ambrose Bierce
A lawyer is the larval stage of a politician.
– Ambrose Bierce
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as
gambling.
– Ambrose Bierce
Road, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is too tiresome to be to
where it is futile to go.
– Ambrose Bierce
Quotation, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
– Ambrose Bierce
Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual
responsibility.
– Ambrose Bierce
Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.
– Ambrose Bierce
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
– Ambrose Bierce
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
– Ambrose Bierce
Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another’s resemblance to ourselves.
– Ambrose Bierce
Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man – who has no
gills.
– Ambrose Bierce
Justice, n. A commodity which in a more or less adulterated condition the State sells to the
citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes and personal service.
– Ambrose Bierce
Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
– Ambrose Bierce
Revelation, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The
revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing.
– Ambrose Bierce
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.
– Ambrose Bierce
Heaven, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal
affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound your own.
– Ambrose Bierce
Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.
– Ambrose Bierce
Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of
things without parallel.
– Ambrose Bierce
Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.
– Ambrose Bierce
Opportunity, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment.
– Ambrose Bierce
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
– Ambrose Bierce
Circus, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and
children acting the fool.
– Ambrose Bierce
Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied
by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable.
– Ambrose Bierce
Liberty, n. One of imagination’s most precious possessions.
– Ambrose Bierce
Cannon, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national boundaries.
– Ambrose Bierce
Congratulation, n. The civility of envy.
– Ambrose Bierce
Advice, n. The smallest current coin.
– Ambrose Bierce
Neighbor, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows
how to make us disobedient.
– Ambrose Bierce
Conservative, n. A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants
to replace them with others.
– Ambrose Bierce
Vote, v. The instrument and symbol of a freeman’s power to make a fool of himself and a
wreck of his country.
– Ambrose Bierce
Insurrection, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection’s failure to substitute misrule for bad
government.
– Ambrose Bierce
April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
– Ambrose Bierce
Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always
been dominant and controlling. The idiot’s activity is not confined to any special field of
thought or action, but “pervades and regulates the whole.” He has the last word in everything;
his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations
of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.
– Ambrose Bierce
Once, adj. Enough.
– Ambrose Bierce
Twice, adv. Once too often.
– Ambrose Bierce
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
– Ambrose Bierce
Helpmate, n. A wife, or bitter half.
– Ambrose Bierce
Monday, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
– Ambrose Bierce
Cat, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be kicked when things go
wrong in the domestic circle.
– Ambrose Bierce
Infancy, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, “Heaven lies about us.”
The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward.
– Ambrose Bierce
Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
– Ambrose Bierce
Sabbath, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God made the world in six days
and was arrested on the seventh.
– Ambrose Bierce
Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.
– Ambrose Bierce
Year, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
– Ambrose Bierce
Accordion, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
– Ambrose Bierce
Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from running amok by
hamstringing it.
– Ambrose Bierce
Christian, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably
suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ so long
as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
– Ambrose Bierce
Bride, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
– Ambrose Bierce
Alone, adj. In bad company.
– Ambrose Bierce
You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing forbids you to
reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are avenged 1440 times a day.
– Ambrose Bierce
Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner
confessedly unworthy.
– Ambrose Bierce
Rational, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.
– Ambrose Bierce
Friendless, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of
truth and common sense.
– Ambrose Bierce
Optimist, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white.
– Ambrose Bierce
Politeness , n. The most acceptable hypocrisy.
– Ambrose Bierce
Hers, pron. His.
– Ambrose Bierce
Witch, n. (1) An ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A
beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
– Ambrose Bierce
Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and
profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
– Ambrose Bierce
Callous, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils afflicting another.
– Ambrose Bierce
Resign, v. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an advantage for a greater
advantage.
– Ambrose Bierce
Philosophy, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.
– Ambrose Bierce
Zeus, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern
Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers who have touched upon the shores of
America, and one who professes to have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior,
have thought that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his monumental
work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives are monotheists, each having no
other god than himself, whom he worships under many sacred names.
– Ambrose Bierce
Erudition, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
– Ambrose Bierce
Politics, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public
affairs for private advantage.
– Ambrose Bierce
Cabbage, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man’s head.
– Ambrose Bierce
Marriage, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and
two slaves, making in all, two.
– Ambrose Bierce
Brain, n. An apparatus with which we think we think.
– Ambrose Bierce