I loved when Bush came out and said, “We are losing the war against drugs.” You know what
that implies? There’s a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.
– Bill Hicks
I was over in Australia during Easter, which was really interesting. You know, they celebrate
Easter the exact same way we do, commemorating the death and resurrection of Jesus by
telling our children that a giant bunny rabbit… left chocolate eggs in the night.
– Bill Hicks
Eternal suffering awaits anyone who questions god’s infinite love.
– Bill Hicks
The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it’s
real because that’s how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round
and round. It has thrills and chills and it’s very brightly coloured and it’s very loud and it’s fun,
for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question:
“Is this real, or is this just a ride?” And other people have remembered, and they come back
to us, they say, “Hey, don’t worry, don’t be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride.” And we
kill those people.
– Bill Hicks
I was in a cab in New York. The cab had a sign, “Please do not smoke, Christ is our unseen
guest.” This guy was reaching. I figure, if he could overcome being nailed to a cross, I don’t
think a Marlboro Light’s gonna faze him that much.
– Bill Hicks
I ascribe to Mark Twain’s theory that the last person who should be President is the one who
wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking
and screaming into the White House.
– Bill Hicks
Let me tell you about gays in the military. I don’t want any gay people hanging around me
while I’m killing kids. I just don’t want to see it.
– Bill Hicks
Been on what I call my Flying Saucer Tour, which means, like flying saucers, I too have been
appearing in small Southern towns in front of handfuls of hilbillies lately and, uh, been
doubting my own existence.
– Bill Hicks
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you’re high,
you can do everything you normally do just as well – you just realize that it’s not worth the
fucking effort. There is a difference.
– Bill Hicks
Lots of Christians wear crosses around their necks – you really think when Jesus comes back,
he ever wants to see a fucking cross?
– Bill Hicks
I had a vision of a way we could have no enemies ever again, if you’re interested in this.
Anybody interested in hearing this? It’s kind of an interesting theory, and all we have to do is
make one decisive act and we can rid the world of all our enemies at once. Here’s what we
do: You know all that money we spend on nuclear weapons and defense every year? Trillions
of dollars. Instead, if we spent that money feeding and clothing the poor of the world, which
it would pay for many times over, not one human being excluded… not one… we could as one
race explore inner and outer space together in peace, forever.
– Bill Hicks
Don’t put pot in the drug category. It’s an herb, man. Like tea. Not only do I think pot should
be legalized, I think it should be mandatory… That’d be a nice world. Mellow, hungry, quiet,
fucked up people everywhere.
– Bill Hicks
The worst kind of non-smokers are the ones that come up to you and cough. That’s pretty
fucking cruel isn’t it? Do you go up to cripples and dance too?
– Bill Hicks
England, where no one has guns: 14 deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel
about guns – whoo! I’m gettin’ a stiffy! 23,000 deaths from handguns. But there’s no
connection, and you’d be a fool and a communist to make one. There’s no connection between
having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone…
OK, though admittedly last year in England they had 23,000 deaths per soccer game.
– Bill Hicks
I can’t watch TV longer than five minutes without praying for nuclear holocaust.
– Bill Hicks
Courtroom for Ted Bundy’s trial is packed with women, trying to meet him and give him love
letters and wedding fucking proposals… and the first thought that enters my mind is, “And
I’m not getting laid.” What am I doing wrong?
– Bill Hicks
To me, pornography is, you know, spending all your money and not educating the people in
America, but spending it instead on weapons. That’s pornographic to me.
– Bill Hicks
What’s cool is every pack has a different Surgeon General’s warning. Isn’t that great? Mine
say: “Warning: Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth.” Fuck it! Ha ha ha! Found
my brand. Just don’t get the ones that say “lung cancer.”
– Bill Hicks
Remember summer vacation with your folks? Does anybody get the concept behind that? We
did not get along together in a five-bedroom house. Dad’s idea was to put all of us in a car –
and drive through the desert at the hottest time of the year. Pffft! Good call Dad! Let’s
confront our tensions!
– Bill Hicks
My dad: “Bill, do you have to say the F-word in your act, son? Bob Hope doesn’t need to use
the F-word in his act.” “Yeah, well, dad, guess what. Bob Hope doesn’t play the shit-holes I
play, all right? You put him in some of these joints, he’ll have Emmanuel Lewis and Phyllis Diller
69ing as his closer – just to get out of there alive!”
– Bill Hicks
Boy, I love talkin’ about the Kennedy Assassination, man. That’s my favorite topic. You know
why?… Because for me it’s a great archetypal example of how the totalitarian government
who rules this planet partitions out information in such a way that we, the masses, are
forced to base our conclusions on erroneous… Oh, I’m sorry, wrong meeting. I thought this
was the meeting, uh… at the docks, no? Oh, shit. That’s tomorrow night.
– Bill Hicks
I’d quit smoking if I didn’t think I’d become one of those non-smokers.
– Bill Hicks
They say if you stop smoking, you’ll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, why
would I want my sense of smell back?
– Bill Hicks
That’s why I always recommend a psychedelic experience because it makes you realize that all
you’ve learned is in fact just learned and not necessarily the truth.
– Bill Hicks
People say, “Uh-Uh, Bill, Iraq had the fourth-largest army in the world.” Yeah, well, maybe, but,
you know what? After the first three largest armies there’s a really big fucking drop-off, okay?
The Hare Krishnas are the fifth largest army in the world, and they’ve already got all our
airports. So, who is the bigger threat?
– Bill Hicks
Nonsmokers – this is for you and you only. Ready? Nonsmokers die every day. Sleep tight.
You see, I know you entertain some type of eternal life fantasy because you do not smoke
cigarettes. May I be the first to pop that little fucking bubble of yours? And you know what
doctors say? “Shit, if only you smoked – we’d have the technology to help you.” It’s you
people dying from nothing that are screwed. I got all sorts of neat gadgets waiting for me,
man: oxygen tent, iron lung.
– Bill Hicks
I get a kick out of being an outsider constantly. It allows me to be creative.
– Bill Hicks
People often ask me where I stand politically. It’s not that I disagree with Bush’s economic
policy or his foreign policy, it’s that I believe he was a child of Satan sent here to destroy the
planet Earth.
– Bill Hicks
I was in Nashville, Tennessee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I’m not
proud of it, I was hungry. And I’m alone, I’m eating and I’m reading a book, right? Waitress
walks over to me: “Hey, whatcha readin’ for?” Isn’t that the weirdest fuckin’ question you’ve
ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, goddamnit, ya stumped
me! Why do I read? Well… hmmm… I dunno… I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the
main one is so I don’t end up being a fuckin’ waffle waitress.
– Bill Hicks
Why is pot against the law? It wouldn’t be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you
can’t make a profit off it, would it?
– Bill Hicks
There are essentially only two drugs that Western civilization tolerates: caffeine from Monday
to Friday to energize you enough to make you a productive member of society, and alcohol
from Friday to Monday to keep you too stupid to figure out the prison that you are living in.
– Bill Hicks
You never see a positive drug story on the news. They always have the same LSD story.
You’ve all seen it: “Today a young man on acid… thought he could fly… jumped out of a
building… what a tragedy!” What a dick. He’s an idiot. If he thought he could fly, why didn’t
he take off from the ground first? Check it out? You don’t see geese lined up to catch
elevators to fly south; they fly from the fucking ground. He’s an idiot. He’s dead. Good! We
lost a moron? Fucking celebrate! There’s one less moron in the world.
– Bill Hicks
Why do we put people who are on drugs in jail? They’re sick, they’re not criminals. Sick
people don’t get healed in prison. You see? It makes no sense.
– Bill Hicks
How many people disapprove of the job the Conservatives are doing? Seventy percent. Of
those same people, how many will vote for them again? Seventy percent. What the fuck?
Where did they take this poll, at an S&M parlor?
– Bill Hicks
I need my sleep. I need about eight hours a day, and about ten at night.
– Bill Hicks
People say the dumbest things, too: “Hey, you quit smoking, you get your sense of smell
back.” I live in New York City. I don’t want my fucking sense of smell back.
– Bill Hicks
Folks, it’s time to evolve. That’s why we’re troubled. You know why our institutions are failing
us, the church, the state, everything’s failing? It’s because, um – they’re no longer relevant.
We’re supposed to keep evolving. Evolution did not end with us growing opposable thumbs.
You do know that, right? There’s another 90 percent of our brains that we have to illuminate.
– Bill Hicks
You ever notice that everyone who believes in creationism looks really unevolved? Eyes real
close together, big furry hands and feet. “I believe God created me in one day.” Yeah, looks
like he rushed it.
– Bill Hicks
I deal only in facts, that’s why I’m a cocky fucking bastard.
– Bill Hicks
You know we armed Iraq. I wondered about that too, you know. During the Persian Gulf war,
those intelligence reports would come out: “Iraq: incredible weapons, incredible weapons.”
“How do you know that?” “Uh, well… we looked at the receipts. But as soon as that check
clears, we’re goin’ in. What time’s the bank open? Eight? We’re going in at nine. We’re going in
for God and country and democracy and here’s a fetus and he’s a Hitler. Whatever you fucking
need, let’s go. Get motivated behind this, let’s go!”
– Bill Hicks
I’m not what you’d call a heavy smoker. I only get through two lighters a day.
– Bill Hicks
I don’t approve of flag-burning. I don’t wanna burn a flag, but if somebody wants to burn a
flag, what business is it of mine? Is it my business if somebody wants to burn a flag? Is it?
No. No, it’s not. Is it my business what other people read or watch on TV? No, it’s not! Thank
you! You see, when you talk these things out they come a little clearer, don’t they? They do.
That’s called logic and it’ll help us all evolve and get on the fuckin’ spaceships and get outta
here! Let’s go!
– Bill Hicks
I’m glad mushrooms are against the law, because I took them one time, and you know what
happened to me? I laid in a field of green grass for four hours going, “My God! I love
everything.” Yeah. Now, if that isn’t a hazard to our country… how are we gonna keep
building nuclear weapons, you know what I mean? What’s gonna happen to the arms industry
when we realize that we’re all one?
– Bill Hicks