It’s so cold I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.
– Bob Hope
I don’t feel 80. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon, then it’s time for my nap.
– Bob Hope
When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great
occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness.
– Bob Hope
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
– Bob Hope
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
– Bob Hope
You can always tell when a man’s well-informed. His views are pretty much like yours.
– Bob Hope
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.
– Bob Hope
Golf is my real profession – show business pays my greens fees.
– Bob Hope
When Phyllis Diller started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off
the piano.
– Bob Hope
Three of my stocks went off the financial page – into the help-wanted section.
– Bob Hope
The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.
– Bob Hope
I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.
– Bob Hope
Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn’t know how to lie, cheat, and steal.
He’s always had an agent do that.
– Bob Hope
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor’s Orphanage he shot both his
parents and moved in.
– Bob Hope
Where else but in America could the women’s liberation movement take off their bras, then go
on TV to complain about their lack of support?
– Bob Hope
If you haven’t any charity in your heart, you have the worst kind of heart trouble.
– Bob Hope
I have a wonderful make-up crew. They’re the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.
– Bob Hope
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
– Bob Hope
Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning.
– Bob Hope
Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is
the only sport where the players aren’t penalized for being on grass.
– Bob Hope
A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
– Bob Hope
It’s nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.
– Bob Hope
If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.
– Bob Hope
I thought about it. But my wife said she wouldn’t want to move into a smaller house.
– Bob Hope, on running for President of the United States
Oscar night at my house is known as Passover.
– Bob Hope
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something
bearable, even hopeful.
– Bob Hope
I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned how to dance – waiting for the bathroom.
– Bob Hope
She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn’t help wondering from what direction.
– Bob Hope
Phyllis Diller has a laugh like an old Chevrolet starting up on a below-freezing morning.
– Bob Hope
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk,
an aardvark…
– Bob Hope
Where would I like my ashes scattered? I don’t know. Surprise me.
– Bob Hope
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
– Bob Hope
Zsa Zsa Gabor got married as a one-off, and it was so successful she turned it into a series.
– Bob Hope
Clinton loves to make long speeches. In fact, this will be the first inaugural address with an
intermission.
– Bob Hope
Everyone’s nervous these days. Ronald McDonald has hired six bodyguards, and that’s just to
protect his buns.
– Bob Hope
It’s hard to play a guy who rattles his medals while you’re putting.
– Bob Hope, on Dwight D. Eisenhower
Culture is the ability to describe Jane Russell without moving your hands.
– Bob Hope
I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
– Bob Hope
My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come
to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?
– Bob Hope
The Democrats have an answer to the unemployment problem. They’re all running for the
presidency.
– Bob Hope
Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country
on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.
– Bob Hope
I’ve been chased by women before but never while I was awake.
– Bob Hope
I do benefits for all religions – I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.
– Bob Hope
He rules the country with an iron fist – the same way he plays the piano.
– Bob Hope, on Harry Truman
Failure is the only thing I’ve ever been a success at.
– Bob Hope
Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.
– Bob Hope
I don’t like all this fresh air. I’m from Los Angeles. I don’t trust any air I can’t see.
– Bob Hope