Bob Monkhouse

When the doctor broke the news that I had cancer, I said, “Tell me straight, Doc, how long
do I have?” He said, “Ten…” I said, “Ten what? Years, months, weeks?” He said, “9, 8, 7…”
– Bob Monkhouse

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and
screaming like the passengers in his car.
– Bob Monkhouse

I had a job selling hearing aids door to door. It wasn’t easy because your best prospects
never answered.
– Bob Monkhouse

I had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
– Bob Monkhouse

Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you’ve got VD, in which case penicillin’s probably a
better bet.
– Bob Monkhouse

They say such lovely things about people at their funerals, it’s a shame I’m going to miss
mine by just a few days.
– Bob Monkhouse

Marriage is an investment that pays dividends if you pay interest.
– Bob Monkhouse

Personally, I don’t think there’s intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be
any different from this one?
– Bob Monkhouse

What do gardeners do when they retire?
– Bob Monkhouse

They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian… well, they’re not laughing now.
– Bob Monkhouse

I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
– Bob Monkhouse

No one watched it, not even the cameramen.
– Bob Monkhouse, about his first TV appearance

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.
– Bob Monkhouse

My doctor once said to me, “Do you think I’m here for the good of your health?”
– Bob Monkhouse

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take
enough toilet paper next time.
– Bob Monkhouse

Silence is not only golden; it is seldom misquoted.
– Bob Monkhouse

How can we expect a politician to believe in the wisdom of the people when he knows it was
the people who voted him in?
– Bob Monkhouse

I tend to sleep in the nude. Which isn’t a bad thing except for maybe on those long flights.
– Bob Monkhouse

Growing old is compulsory – growing up is optional.
– Bob Monkhouse

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic
bag would keep me fresh.
– Bob Monkhouse

The Royal Shakespeare Company once did Julius Caesar in New York. When Caesar was
stabbed onstage, half the audience left because they didn’t want to get involved.
– Bob Monkhouse

Real happiness is when you marry a girl for love and find out later she has money.
– Bob Monkhouse

I’d never be unfaithful to my wife for the reason that I love my house very much.
– Bob Monkhouse

When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?
– Bob Monkhouse

What’s a geriatric? A German footballer scoring three goals.
– Bob Monkhouse

My wife said, “Can my mother come down for the weekend?” So I said, “Why?” and she said,
“Well, she’s been up on the roof two weeks already.”
– Bob Monkhouse

A tomcat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot’s ribs and demanded: “Take me to the
canaries.”
– Bob Monkhouse