Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.
– Dave Barry
My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.
– Dave Barry
Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot
see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking.
– Dave Barry
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
– Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without hydrogen or oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient for beer.
– Dave Barry
After you’ve heard two eyewitness accounts of an accident, it makes you wonder about
history.
– Dave Barry
When you’re in New York City, always keep your money and other valuables in a safe place, such as Switzerland.
– Dave Barry
I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together
and – regardless of their political or cultural differences – accuse each other of cheating.
– Dave Barry
Nowadays I reserve my sexual activities for special occasions such as the installation of a
new pope.
– Dave Barry
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing.
This is why it takes several million sperm cells… to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin.
– Dave Barry
To judge from the covers of countless women’s magazines, the two topics most interesting to women are 1 – why men are all disgusting pigs and 2 – how to attract men.
– Dave Barry
The metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the
increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
– Dave Barry
The first major president to be elected after the War of 1812 was President Monroe Doctrine, who became famous by developing the policy for which he is named. This policy, which is still in effect today, states that:
1. Other nations are not allowed to mess around with the internal affairs of nations in this hemisphere.
2. But we are.
3. Ha-ha-ha.
– Dave Barry
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
– Dave Barry
For me, the worst part of playing golf has always been hitting the ball.
– Dave Barry
Men: You know how, when your wife can’t open a pickle jar, she gives it to you, and you’re supposed to smile in a manly patronizing way as you effortlessly twist it open? That’s not what happens in our house. What happens is, after a grim struggle lasting several minutes, I wind up lying on the kitchen floor, exhausted and whimpering, while the pickle jar, unopened, laughs and flirts boldly with my wife. Sometimes it gives me a wedgie.
– Dave Barry
Americans would rather live next to a pervert heroin addict communist pornographer than a person with an unkempt lawn.
– Dave Barry
A woman knows everything about her children. She knows about dental appointments and football games and best friends and favorite foods and romances and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
– Dave Barry
The problem with winter sports is that – follow me closely here – they generally take place in winter.
– Dave Barry
If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and
never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings.”
– Dave Barry
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.
– Dave Barry
Ants are tiny creatures with a primitive brain no larger than that of a psychic-hotline caller.
– Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you
that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
– Dave Barry
Deep down inside, men are biological creatures, like jellyfish or trees, only less likely to clean the bathroom.
– Dave Barry
Miami loves to party. We party to celebrate when something good happens, such as winning the World Series, which we do, like clockwork, every six years. When something bad happens, we party to cheer ourselves up. When nothing is happening, we party because we are bored. If Fidel ever dies, Miami will not regain consciousness for decades.
– Dave Barry
Organizational structures can be found throughout nature. Monkeys form troops, birds form flocks, fish form schools, intestinal parasites form law firms.
– Dave Barry
Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.
– Dave Barry
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
– Dave Barry
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
– Dave Barry
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need
should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.
– Dave Barry
Cigarette sales would drop to zero overnight if the warning said, “Cigarettes Contain Fat.”
– Dave Barry
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
– Dave Barry
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity.
– Dave Barry
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
– Dave Barry
Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.
– Dave Barry
The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
– Dave Barry
Bill Gates is a very rich man today… and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.
– Dave Barry
One thing about parents is that no matter what stage your child is in, the parents who have older children always tell you the next stage is worse.
– Dave Barry
How do these celebrities stay so impossibly thin? Simple: They have full-time personal
trainers, who advise them on nutrition, give them pep talks, and shoot them with tranquilizer darts whenever they try to crawl, on hunger-weakened limbs, toward the packet of rice cakes that constitutes the entire food supply in their 37,000-square-foot mansions. For most celebrities, the biggest meal of the day is toothpaste (they use reduced-fat Crest).
– Dave Barry
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
– Dave Barry
To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.
– Dave Barry
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
– Dave Barry
Perhaps you are thinking: “But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don’t have that kind of money.” Don’t be silly. You’re a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right? Perhaps you are thinking: “Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?” Don’t be silly. You have a tank, right?
– Dave Barry
A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
– Dave Barry
I believe that lobsters are the result of a terrible genetic accident involving nuclear radiation and cockroaches.
– Dave Barry
As you get older; you’ve probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You’ll be talking
with somebody at a party, and you’ll know that you know this person, but no matter how
hard you try, you can’t remember his or her name. This can be very embarrassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.
– Dave Barry
The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.
– Dave Barry
The best way to learn Japanese is to be born as a Japanese baby, in Japan, raised by a
Japanese family.
– Dave Barry
The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
– Dave Barry
Sometimes you panic and find yourself emitting remarks so profoundly inane that you would be embarrassed to say them to your dog. Your dog would look at you and think to itself, “I may lick myself in public, but I’d never say anything as stupid as that.”
– Dave Barry
You can tell an attorney by all the books of equal height on his shelf.
– Dave Barry
A bell-person carries my luggage – one small gym-style bag, and I tip him $2, which he takes as if I am handing him a jar of warm sputum.
– Dave Barry
A penny saved is worthless.
– Dave Barry
I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don’t even invite me.
– Dave Barry
A homeless musician is one without a girlfriend.
– Dave Barry
Using a complex, sophisticated technique to get a man excited is like preparing a gourmet French meal for a Labrador Retriever.
– Dave Barry
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another
person’s plate.
– Dave Barry
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and
again that they have the management skills of celery.
– Dave Barry
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.
– Dave Barry
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
– Dave Barry
We’ll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
– Dave Barry
A sense of humor is a measurement of the extent to which we realize that we are trapped in a world almost totally devoid of reason. Laughter is how we express the anxiety we feel at this knowledge.
– Dave Barry
The problem is, when Oprah lost all that weight, her head didn’t get any smaller. And so she looks kind of like a person carrying a balloon.
– Dave Barry
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will
choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.
– Dave Barry
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s
pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
– Dave Barry
The sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Holy Roman Empire.
– Dave Barry
If you were to open up a baby’s head – and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should – you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.
– Dave Barry
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.
– Dave Barry
No matter what kind of music you ask them to play, your wedding band will play it in such a way that it sounds like “New York, New York.”
– Dave Barry
There comes a time in a man’s life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.
– Dave Barry
You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.
– Dave Barry
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.
– Dave Barry
Your hand and your mouth agreed many years ago that, as far as chocolate is concerned,
there is no need to involve your brain.
– Dave Barry
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.
– Dave Barry
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down.
– Dave Barry
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular
skiing is lethal enough.
– Dave Barry
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
– Dave Barry
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
– Dave Barry
Dogs need to sniff the ground; it’s how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued into the next yard.
– Dave Barry
You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.
– Dave Barry
There’s nothing wrong with enjoying looking at the surface of the ocean itself, except that
when you finally see what goes on underwater,you realize that you’ve been missing the whole point of the ocean. Staying on the surface all the time is like going to the circus and staring at the outside of the tent.
– Dave Barry
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
– Dave Barry
But my point is that competitive eating is a real sport, and I considered taking it up. But
when I thought about what this would mean – sitting around for hours, stuffing my face with unhealthy food – I realized it was basically the same thing as journalism.
– Dave Barry
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a
solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
– Dave Barry
Mexican food is delicious and perfectly safe so long as you are careful never to get any of it in your digestive tract.
– Dave Barry
Reading – a vacation for the mind.
– Dave Barry
To you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a “pain in the neck,” the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.
– Dave Barry
The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic
status, or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-
average drivers.
– Dave Barry
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects.
– Dave Barry
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
– Dave Barry
Motto of the US airline industry: “We’re Hoping to Have a Motto Announcement in About an Hour.”
– Dave Barry
Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can’t see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it,
without necessarily fixing anything.
– Dave Barry
“Aria” is Italian for “a song that will not end in your lifetime.”
– Dave Barry
Benjamin Franklin proved an important scientific point, which is that electricity originates
inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the earth by golfers. After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power
companies and burned in big ovens called “generators,” turns back into electricity, which is sent in the form of “volts” (also known as watts, or rpm for short), through special wires with birds sitting on them to consumers’ homes, where it is transformed by TV sets into
commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as a “circuit.”
– Dave Barry
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share
yours with them.
– Dave Barry
Don’t you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of
words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don’t even have to be true!
– Dave Barry
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles against the prevailing
winds, for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
– Dave Barry
The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled at by people with
short haircuts and tiny brains.
– Dave Barry
Camping is nature’s way of promoting the motel business.
– Dave Barry