I got a letter from the IRS. Apparently, I owe them 800$. So I sent them a letter back. I
said, “If you’ll remember, I fastened my return with a paper clip, which according to your very
own latest government Pentagon spending figures will more than make up for the difference.”
– Emo Philips
The nicest present I ever got was an exploding suppository.
– Emo Philips
My cousin died. He was stung by a wasp – the natural enemy of the tightrope walker.
– Emo Philips
I ran three miles today. Finally I said, “Lady, take your purse.”
– Emo Philips
I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but
there wasn’t any gum under any of them.
– Emo Philips
Women: You can’t live with them, and you can’t get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi
costume and beat you with a warm squash or something…
– Emo Philips
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful
caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag
on her toes.
– Emo Philips
I love Florida. I love the beach. I love the sound of the crashing surfers against the rocks.
– Emo Philips
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was
asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, “I don’t know.
Reelection to the Senate?”
– Emo Philips
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she’s reading.
– Emo Philips
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers… Damn anthropologists.
– Emo Philips
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the
second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
– Emo Philips
I’ll always remember the last words of my grandfather, “A truck!”
– Emo Philips
You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked
every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
– Emo Philips
My parents had very strict rules for me. Rules like, I couldn’t be home until a certain hour.
– Emo Philips
A Mormon told me that they don’t drink coffee. I said, “A cup of coffee every day gives you
wonderful benefits.” He said, “Like what?” I said, “Well, it keeps you from being Mormon…”
– Emo Philips
When I was ten, my family moved to Downer’s Grove, Illinois. When I was twelve, I found them.
– Emo Philips
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your
face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get
into the corners very well.”
– Emo Philips
I dropped out of science when I was a kid, so I only know two things about science. Water
freezes at 23 degrees Fahrenheit, and if you have two competing theories, you try not to
choose the one that involves a magic spell.
– Emo Philips
My dad and I, we used to play baseball. I was the catcher. Which I liked. Until one day, I saw
this game on TV, and I said, “Hang on, how come their catcher doesn’t have his hands tied to
his ankles?”
– Emo Philips
When I was a kid, my nickname was Mr Baseball. Because of the stitches.
– Emo Philips
My mom gave me one of those cloth calendars for the kitchen. It took me three hours to sew
in a dental appointment.
– Emo Philips
Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!” He said, “Nobody loves
me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?” He said, “Yes.” I said, “Are you a
Christian or a Jew?” He said, “A Christian.” I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?” He said,
“Protestant.” I said, “Me, too! What franchise?” He said, “Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern
Baptist or Southern Baptist?” He said, “Northern Baptist.” I said, “Me, too! Northern
Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.” I
said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative
Baptist Eastern Region?” He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.” I said,
“Me, too!” Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern
Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?” He said, “Northern Conservative
Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.” I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.
– Emo Philips
When I was a kid my parents used to tell me, “Emo, don’t go near the cellar door!” One day
when they were away, I went up to the cellar door. And I pushed it and walked through and
saw strange, wonderful things, things I had never seen before, like… trees, grass, flowers,
the sun… that was nice… the sun…
– Emo Philips
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
– Emo Philips
I once had dinner in a topless restaurant. I was really looking forward to it, but all the staff
were men.
– Emo Philips
I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she thinks I slammed the car door on
her hand on purpose.
– Emo Philips
The other day a woman came up to me and said, “Didn’t I see you on television?” I said, “I
don’t know. You can’t see out the other way.”
– Emo Philips
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
– Emo Philips
Sex is logically impossible after marriage. You have to overcome the paradox of “Not this
again,” and “Hey, where did you learn that?”
– Emo Philips
People always ask me, “Where were you when Kennedy was shot?” Well, I don’t have an
alibi.”
– Emo Philips
My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit
myself.
– Emo Philips
I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
– Emo Philips
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and
run around yelling and screaming. They don’t know I’m only using blanks.
– Emo Philips
I’m a great lover, I’ll bet.
– Emo Philips
I ran into a woman I dated last year. I said, “You gave me a rash!” She said, “Put something
on it.” I said, “OK. Ten bucks says it was you.”
– Emo Philips
I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather
than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I
realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
– Emo Philips
How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
– Emo Philips
I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.
– Emo Philips
New York’s such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very
rude. I said, “I’d like a card.” He says, “You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.” So I
stabbed him.
– Emo Philips
Now there’s a seven-day waiting period to buy a gun. Who can stay mad that long?
– Emo Philips
I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.
– Emo Philips
People come up to me and say, “Emo, do people really come up to you?”
– Emo Philips
My girlfriend said, “Just buy me something crazy and expensive, something I don’t even need!”
So, I signed her up for radiation treatment.
– Emo Philips
I was walking through the park… plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.
– Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
– Emo Philips
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, “Get off of me, you
two!”
– Emo Philips
I lent a friend of mine ten thousand dollars for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he
looks like.
– Emo Philips
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my
grandmother’s hip replacement. Because, you know… You break it, you buy it.
– Emo Philips
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord
doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
– Emo Philips
I got a job at an amusement park. I like to make the rides more terrifying by throwing a
couple of screws onto the seats.
– Emo Philips
My nephew said, “Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?” I said, “Now, now!
You’ve been shaking the box, haven’t you?”
– Emo Philips
I used to have a big gay following, but I ducked down an alley and lost him.
– Emo Philips
I went out on a first date, but I don’t think I’ll be seeing her again. She got mad when I didn’t
open the car door. I just swam to the surface.
– Emo Philips
Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.
– Emo Philips
I saw a psychologist once because I thought I had depression. It cost me $100. When I left,
I realised that there’s nothing he could have said that would cheer me up as much as if I
found a $100 bill on my way home.
– Emo Philips
All prayers are basically a request: “Please break the laws of the physical universe for my
convenience. Amen.”
– Emo Philips
I’ve learned about women the hard way. Through books.
– Emo Philips
My parents were very protective. I couldn’t even cross the street without them getting all
excited, and… placing bets.
– Emo Philips
Probably the toughest time in anyone’s life is when you have to murder a loved one because
they’re the devil. Other than that, though, it’s been a good day.
– Emo Philips
Oh yes, I’ve tried my hand at sex.
– Emo Philips