God writes a lot of comedy… the trouble is, he’s stuck with so many bad actors who don’t
know how to play funny.
– Garrison Keillor
If the government can round up someone and never be required to explain why, then it’s no
longer the United States of America as you and I always understood it. Our enemies have
succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.
– Garrison Keillor
Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.
– Garrison Keillor
Nothing you do for children is ever wasted. They seem not to notice us, hovering, averting
our eyes, and they seldom offer thanks, but what we do for them is never wasted.
– Garrison Keillor
It’s a shallow life that doesn’t give a person a few scars.
– Garrison Keillor
Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the
campfires of gentle people.
– Garrison Keillor
One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don’t
read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.
– Garrison Keillor
Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a
garage can make you a car.
– Garrison Keillor
Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.
– Garrison Keillor
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize I’m
going to miss mine by just a few days.
– Garrison Keillor
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.
– Garrison Keillor
Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which
once you have got it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had
you known.
– Garrison Keillor
If you lived today as if it were your last, you’d buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off,
wouldn’t you?
– Garrison Keillor
You’d learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than
by watching the news.
– Garrison Keillor
The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his
nose.
– Garrison Keillor
Sex is not a mechanical act that fails for lack of technique, and it is not a performance by the
male for the audience of the female; it is a continuum of attraction that extends from the
simplest conversation and the most innocent touching through the act of coitus.
– Garrison Keillor
There is almost no marital problem that can’t be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.
– Garrison Keillor
When in doubt, look intelligent.
– Garrison Keillor
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that
I’m going to miss mine by just a few days.
– Garrison Keillor
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table – there’s nothing wrong with
them, but it’s hard to stop thinking about.
– Garrison Keillor
Years ago manhood was an opportunity for achievement, and now it is a problem to
overcome.
– Garrison Keillor, The Book of Guys: Stories, 1994
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
– Garrison Keillor
Jesus said the meek would inherit the earth, but so far all we’ve gotten is Minnesota and North
Dakota.
– Garrison Keillor
Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take
hold of it.
– Garrison Keillor
A man can’t eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his
soul.
– Garrison Keillor
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.
– Garrison Keillor
A lovely thing about Christmas is that it’s compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go
through it together.
– Garrison Keillor
Selective ignorance, a cornerstone of child rearing. You don’t put kids under surveillance: it
might frighten you. Parents should sit tall in the saddle and look upon their troops with a
noble and benevolent and extremely nearsighted gaze.
– Garrison Keillor
Gentleness is everywhere in daily life, a sign that faith rules through ordinary things: through
cooking and small talk, through storytelling, making love, fishing, tending animals and sweet
corn and flowers, through sports, music and books, raising kids – all the places where the
gravy soaks in and grace shines through.
– Garrison Keillor
You don’t have to justify a beautiful stroke of good luck. Accept it. Smile and say thank you.
– Garrison Keillor
To the cheater, there is no such thing as honesty, and to Republicans the idea of serving the
public good is counterfeit on the face of it – they never felt such an urge, and therefore it
must not exist.
– Garrison Keillor
The most un-American thing you can say is, “You can’t say that.”
– Garrison Keillor
It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.
– Garrison Keillor
If you give your child a vice, why not give it one that will get it through medical school?
– Garrison Keillor
One day Donald Trump discovers that he is owned, lock, stock, and roulette wheel, by
Lutheran Brotherhood, and must renegotiate his debt load with a committee of silent
Norwegians who don’t understand why anyone would pay more than $120 for a suit.
– Garrison Keillor
Beauty isn’t worth thinking about; what’s important is your mind. You don’t want a fifty-dollar
haircut on a fifty-cent head.
– Garrison Keillor
A book is a gift you can open again and again.
– Garrison Keillor
March is the month that shows people who don’t drink exactly how a hangover feels.
– Garrison Keillor