People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them,
a paternity suit.
– George Burns
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting
hair.
– George Burns
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at
something you hate.
– George Burns
By the time you are 80, you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.
– George Burns
Don’t stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
– George Burns
It’s hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean
and sex was dirty.
– George Burns
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
– George Burns
And God said: “Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything on me. And let there be
lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan.”
– George Burns
If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.
– George Burns
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
– George Burns
People are always asking me when I’m going to retire. Why should I? I’ve got it two ways –
I’m still making movies, and I’m a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
– George Burns
I was always taught to respect my elders and I’ve now reached the age when I don’t have
anybody to respect.
– George Burns
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
– George Burns
Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer
articles to read.
– George Burns
You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you
could do while you’re down there.
– George Burns
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is
avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn’t ask me, I’d still have to say it.
– George Burns
I was married by a judge – I should have asked for a jury.
– George Burns
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
– George Burns
If it’s a good script I’ll do it. And if it’s a bad script, and they pay me enough, I’ll do it.
– George Burns
For forty years my act consisted of one joke. And then she died.
– George Burns
When I was young I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties I was considered
eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then and I’m labeled senile.
– George Burns
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally,
you forget to pull it down.
– George Burns
I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.
– George Burns
I look to the future because that’s where I’m going to spend the rest of my life.
– George Burns
I get a standing ovation just standing.
– George Burns
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my
class for five years.
– George Burns
A married couple that plays cards together is just a fight that hasn’t started yet.
– George Burns
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh
is a humorist.
– George Burns
This is the sixth book I’ve written, which isn’t bad for a guy who’s only read two.
– George Burns
Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and
wives.
– George Burns
– Can you play the violin?
– I don’t know. I’ve never tried.
– George Burns
By 93, I had shrunk quite a lot. My car was known as the Phantom Cadillac. People would see
it whizzing by and they would swear there was no driver.
– George Burns
I’m at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
– George Burns
If I’d taken my doctor’s advice and quit smoking when he advised me to, I wouldn’t have lived
to go to his funeral.
– George Burns
Retire? I’m going to stay in show business until I’m the only one left.
– George Burns
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.
– George Burns
I smoke ten to fifteen cigars a day. At my age I have to hold on to something.
– George Burns
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different
things. Men want women and women want men.
– George Burns
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
– George Burns
I can’t afford to die; I’d lose too much money.
– George Burns
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the
two as close together as possible.
– George Burns
You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.
– George Burns
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything
that’s down can come up.
– George Burns
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth
or the fourteenth.
– George Burns
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who’ll give you a little love, a
little affection, a little tenderness? It means you’re in the wrong house.
– George Burns
I don’t believe in dying. It’s been done. I’m working on a new exit. Besides, I can’t die now –
I’m booked.
– George Burns
Retirement at 65 is ridiculous. When I was 65, I still had pimples.
– George Burns
I look better, feel better, make love better, and I’ll tell you something else: I never lied better.
– George Burns
If I paid $3 or $4 for a cigar, first I’d sleep with it.
– George Burns
Happiness? A good martini, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman. Or a bad woman; it
depends on how much happiness you can handle.
– George Burns
“Money is the root of all evil.” Then we hear, “A fool and his money are soon parted.” What are
they talking about? If money is so evil, shouldn’t it be, “A wise man and his money are soon
parted?” And another thing, how does a fool get money in the first place? I know some fools
who have a lot of money, but they won’t tell me how they got it, and I won’t tell them.
– George Burns
If you live to the age of a hundred, you have it made because very few people die past the
age of a hundred.
– George Burns
I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
– George Burns
First of all you’ve got to have talent. And then you’ve got to marry her like I did.
– George Burns