Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
– Jackie Mason
My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money, watch your health.” So one day while
I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
– Jackie Mason
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
– Jackie Mason
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.
– Jackie Mason
They call it football, but the object of the game is to bash the other guy so hard that he’s
eventually carried off the field on a stretcher. I can’t watch football anymore. My psychiatrist
said it’s better that way. I used to watch a game, see the players in a huddle – and think
they were talking about me.
– Jackie Mason
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
– Jackie Mason
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex.
– Jackie Mason
It’s no longer a question of staying healthy. It’s a question of finding a sickness you like.
– Jackie Mason
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country
you’re allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need
sex, you don’t. What’s more important, sex or a shirt?
– Jackie Mason
Why is it that they have Bibles in every motel room? Why should a man want to read the
Bible when he’s with a woman alone in a motel room? Why would he be interested? Whatever
he’s praying for, he’s already got!
– Jackie Mason
It is more profitable for your Congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.
– Jackie Mason
I’m still suffering from shock from the last war. I was almost drafted! Luckily I was wounded
while taking the physical. When I reached the psychiatrist, I said, “Give me a gun, I’ll wipe
out the whole German Army in five minutes.” He said, “You’re crazy!” I said, “Write it down!”
– Jackie Mason
Jews are the best dressers in the world. They buy the best clothes, the best homes, the best
cars. The best of everything. The only thing is, they get it for less.
– Jackie Mason