Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them’s making a poop,
the other one’s carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?
– Jerry Seinfeld
Men love the suit so much, we’ve actually styled our pyjamas to look like a tiny suit. Or
pyjamas have little lapels, little cuffs, simulated breast pocket. Do you need a breast pocket
on your pyjamas? You put a pen in there, you roll over in the middle of the night, you kill
yourself.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of
support, and a little bit of freedom.
– Jerry Seinfeld
The worst words in the English language are, “We have to talk.” Either that or, “Whose bra is
this?”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Why did anyone think a camel is a good product image for a cigarette? I think each one is the
equivalent tar of smoking an actual camel.
– Jerry Seinfeld
I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren’t
cows outside a lot of the time? When it’s raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, “Let us in!
We’re all wearing leather! Open the door! We’re going to ruin the whole outfit here!”
– Jerry Seinfeld
I think the idea behind the tuxedo is the woman’s point of view that “Men are all the same,
we might as well dress them that way.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Why do they make condom packets so hard to open? Is it to give the woman a chance to
change her mind?
– Jerry Seinfeld
What’s with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they
thinking: “Gosh, if we have a party, there may not be enough standing room; I’d better
carpet the toilet too.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive.
Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not
much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. “Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get
past me, the guy in back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off. I’ve got the toe clippers right
here.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
I was the best man at the wedding. If I’m the best man, why is she marrying him?
– Jerry Seinfeld
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in
not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
– Jerry Seinfeld
You have to motivate yourself with challenges. That’s how you know you’re still alive.
– Jerry Seinfeld
I have a problem with the strip that runs along the bottom of programmes. Do you want me
to watch the show, or do you want me to read the strip? Don’t these idiots who run the
networks know we don’t want to read? That’s why we’re watching TV.
– Jerry Seinfeld
One of the greatest mysteries to me about women is the fact that they can pour hot wax
on their legs, rip the hair out by the roots, and still be afraid of a spider.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I
think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest
problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
– Jerry Seinfeld
The concept behind the mobile phone is that you have absolutely nothing to say and you’ve
got to talk to someone about it right now.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re
killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this
deceased squirrel.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.
– Jerry Seinfeld
There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men don’t think there’s a lot they don’t
know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, “I know what I’m doing, just show me
somebody naked.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
The best revenge is living well.
– Jerry Seinfeld
There’s no such thing as fun for the whole family – there are no massage parlours with ice
cream and free jewelry.
– Jerry Seinfeld
I will never understand why they cook on TV. I can’t smell it. Can’t eat it. Can’t taste it. The
end of the show they hold it up to the camera, “Well, here it is. You can’t have any. Thanks
for watching. Goodbye.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?
– Jerry Seinfeld
Life is truly a ride. We’re all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your
behind, he’s ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to
adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang
on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at
the end of life is that your hair’s messed, you’re out of breath, and you didn’t throw up.
– Jerry Seinfeld
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Did you ever go to a party, go in the bathroom, flush the toilet, and the water starts coming
up? That is the most frightening moment in the life of a human being.
– Jerry Seinfeld
That’s the true spirit of Christmas – people being helped by people other than me.
– Jerry Seinfeld
According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death.
Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to
a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot! Do you really want music in the
shower? I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Why can’t sweat smell good? It would be a different world. Instead of putting laundry in the
hamper, you’d put it in a vase. You’d have a dirty sweatsock hanging from the rear-view
mirror of your car. And on a special night, maybe a little underwear coming out of your breast
pocket, just to show her she’s important.
– Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like
firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in
two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the
conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Why do dogs have no money? No pockets.
– Jerry Seinfeld
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just
exactly fits the newspaper.
– Jerry Seinfeld
The closest thing we have to royalty in America are the people that get to ride in those little
carts through the airport. When cart people drive by we all scurry out of the way like
worthless peasants.
– Jerry Seinfeld
Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can’t do it in one push. You have to
rock it back and forth a few times until it goes over.
– Jerry Seinfeld
My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
– Jerry Seinfeld
What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in
not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked at the end of it.
– Jerry Seinfeld
I hate when they call up to check if your credit card is good. I always feel like they’re talking
about me. “You won’t believe what he’s buying now. It’s some kind of yellow thing. I don’t
even know what it is. Never sold one before.”
– Jerry Seinfeld
Can we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really need to be reminded every time we go out to a
nice restaurant that we have no idea what we’re doing? Why don’t they just give us a
trigonometry quiz with the menu?
– Jerry Seinfeld
I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it’s regular-sized and my
muscles are huge.
– Jerry Seinfeld
I am so busy doing nothing that the idea of doing anything – which, as you know, always
leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
– Jerry Seinfeld