I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, “Give me 300$ and I’ll shit on your carpet.”
– Joan Rivers
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Joan Rivers
I once dated a guy who was so dumb he couldn’t count to twenty-one unless he was naked.
– Joan Rivers
I said to my husband, “Why don’t you call out my name when we’re making love?” He said, “I
don’t want to wake you up.”
– Joan Rivers
I’m jewish. I don’t work out. If God wanted us to bend over he’d put diamonds on the floor.
– Joan Rivers
I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist calls me “sir”.
– Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I’ll consider it.
– Joan Rivers
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the
linoleum. “My God, the floor’s immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch.”
– Joan Rivers
Mick Jagger could French-kiss a moose. He has child-bearing lips.
– Joan Rivers
Madonna is so hairy – when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
– Joan Rivers
All my mother told me about sex was that the man goes on top and the woman on the
bottom. For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
– Joan Rivers
I said to my mother-in-law, “My house is your house.” She said, “Get the hell of my property.”
– Joan Rivers
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, “You are here”. I wore angora sweaters
just so the guys would have something to pet.
– Joan Rivers
I said to my husband, my boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my
legs. He said, “Blue goes with everything.”
– Joan Rivers
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He have her a
lobotomy.
– Joan Rivers
It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t remember who gets tied up.
– Joan Rivers
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewellery.
– Joan Rivers
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at
least three years off.
– Joan Rivers
Is she fat? Her favourite food is seconds.
– Joan Rivers
– Come on, Joan, tell us which husband was the best lover?
– Yours.
– Joan Rivers, Joan Collins
I hate housework. You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later, you have to
start all over again.
– Joan Rivers
The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.
– Joan Rivers
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly
– hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
– Joan Rivers
The nice thing about Viagra is that they are proving men can go blind on it, so you can gain
weight and have a great sex life.
– Joan Rivers
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: “Last Girl Before
Freeway.”
– Joan Rivers
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
– Joan Rivers
When I saw her sex tape, all I could think of were Paris Hilton’s poor parents. The shame, the
shame of the Hilton family. To have your daughter do a porno film… in a Marriott hotel.
– Joan Rivers
I met Adele! What’s her song, Rolling In The Deep? She should add “fried chicken.”
– Joan Rivers
Don’t cook. Don’t clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the
Linoleum. “My God, the floor’s immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch.”
– Joan Rivers
No man ever stuck his hand up your dress looking for a library ticket.
– Joan Rivers
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I’d look like without plastic surgery.
– Joan Rivers
My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I
say the same thing, “Pick up, I know you’re there.” And she says the same thing back, “How’d
you get this new number?”
– Joan Rivers
A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids but didn’t
give a shit.
– Joan Rivers
Taking advice about marriage from Elizabeth Taylor is like taking sailing lessons from the
captain of the Titanic.
– Joan Rivers
I was dating a transvestite. My mother said, “Marry him. You’ll double your wardrobe.”
– Joan Rivers
I have so little sex appeal my gynaecologist examines me by telephone.
– Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked. But if a woman makes 19 or 20 mistakes, she’s
a tramp.
– Joan Rivers
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it’s missing, and what’s there stinks.
– Joan Rivers
I’ve worked with Angelina Jolie. She saw a sign that said “Wet Floor” one time, and she did.
– Joan Rivers
Don’t tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won’t respect you. For years I used to
wake up my daughter and say, “Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.”
– Joan Rivers
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
– Joan Rivers
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough
money, you can have a key made.
– Joan Rivers
Bo Derek is so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.
– Joan Rivers
A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the
gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.
– Joan Rivers
Thank God we’re living in a country where the sky’s the limit, the stores are open late and
you can shop in bed thanks to television.
– Joan Rivers
I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
– Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers
would try to board her.
– Joan Rivers
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my
husband’s side of the bed is when he’s having an asthma attack.
– Joan Rivers
You want to get Cindy Crawford confused? Ask her to spell “mom” backwards.
– Joan Rivers
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now… once he
opened the car door for me in the last four years – we were on the freeway at the time.
– Joan Rivers
If Kate Winslet had dropped a few pounds, the Titanic would never have sunk.
– Joan Rivers
The whole Michael Jackson thing was my fault. I told him to date only 28-year-olds. Who
knew he would find 20 of them?
– Joan Rivers
It takes a lot of experience for a girl to kiss like a beginner.
– Joan Rivers
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
– Joan Rivers
No-one says this, but the vagina drops. I looked down a few years ago and thought, “Why
am I wearing a bunny slipper?”
– Joan Rivers
Don’t talk to me about Valentine’s Day. At my age, an affair of the heart is a bypass.
– Joan Rivers
When I was born, my mother asked the doctor, “Will she live?” He said: “Only if you take your
foot off her throat!”
– Joan Rivers
I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.
– Joan Rivers
I have no sex appeal. I have to blindfold my vibrator.
– Joan Rivers
Two’s company. Three’s fifty bucks.
– Joan Rivers
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
– Joan Rivers
Marie Osmond is so pure, not even Moses could part her knees.
– Joan Rivers
I had a cold and my doctor recommended coffee enemas. I can never go back to Starbucks.
– Joan Rivers
Angelina said to me the other night, “If I can make one person happy, Joan, I die content.” I
said, “Easy. Give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.”
– Joan Rivers