A kid knocked over my beer with a frisbee at the beach once. I threatened him with a lawsuit and then put this curse on him: ‘May your voice never change and your zits win prizes at county fairs.’ I hate it when somebody knocks over my beer at the beach.
– Lewis Grizzard
As best as I can tell, God was undefeated in all sports last year. Anybody who won thanked Him, and I never heard a single loser blame Him.
– Lewis Grizzard
Bad luck is meeting your date’s father and realizing he’s the pharmacist you bought condoms from that afternoon.
– Lewis Grizzard
Baptists never make love standing up. They’re afraid someone might see them and think they’re dancing.
– Lewis Grizzard
Being a newspaper columnist is like being married to a nymphomaniac. It’s great for the first two weeks.
– Lewis Grizzard
Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie causes calorie leakage.
– Lewis Grizzard
First, we really don’t care how you did it in Chicago. Second, if you miss it so much, Delta is ready when you are.
– Lewis Grizzard
Giving Northerners unbuttered instant grits is an old remedy for getting rid of tourists.
– Lewis Grizzard
How can I trust a bank to keep my money safe when it has dozens of pens stolen every day?
– Lewis Grizzard
I am convinced ginger ale can heal the sick and raise the dead.
– Lewis Grizzard
I am the only person in the history of Moreland, Georgia to ever be on the New York Times Best Seller List. I’m the only person in the history of Moreland, Georgia who ever heard of the New York Times Best Seller List.
– Lewis Grizzard
I don’t have any out-of-body experiences. I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale.
– Lewis Grizzard
I don’t think I’ll get married again. Every five years or so, I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
– Lewis Grizzard
I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.
– Lewis Grizzard
I have it on good authority that Yankee men are so lazy they marry pregnant women.
– Lewis Grizzard
I have three ex-wives. I can’t remember any of their names, so I just call ’em Plaintiff.
– Lewis Grizzard
I know lots of people who are educated far beyond their intelligence.
– Lewis Grizzard
I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I’ve been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, ‘Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.
– Lewis Grizzard
They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat
I would rather sit next to somebody who smells like a moose than somebody who slurps his soup.
– Lewis Grizzard
If brains were all that important in a beauty contest, you could enter wearing a Hefty Bag.
– Lewis Grizzard
If I want to go to the trouble of preparing my own salad, I will do it in the privacy of my own home, where I can eat it in my underdrawers if I so desire.
– Lewis Grizzard
If love were oil, i’d be about a quart low.
– Lewis Grizzard
If soccer was an American soft drink, it would be Diet Pepsi.
– Lewis Grizzard
If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
– Lewis Grizzard
If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
– Lewis Grizzard
In the south there’s a difference between ‘Naked’ and ‘Nekkid.’ ‘Naked’ means you don’t have any clothes on. ‘Nekkid’ means you don’t have any clothes on … and you’re up to somethin’.
– Lewis Grizzard
It’s difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.
– Lewis Grizzard
Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.
– Lewis Grizzard
Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain’t the lead dog, the scenery never changes.
– Lewis Grizzard
Love is blind and marriage is the institution for the blind.
– Lewis Grizzard
My ex-wives had one thing in common. When they left, they all backed up a truck.
– Lewis Grizzard
Never order barbeque in a place that also serves quiche.
– Lewis Grizzard
Never send your children off to school with a convertible sports car or a credit card.
– Lewis Grizzard
Never tell a woman she doesn’t look good in some article of clothing she has just purchased.
– Lewis Grizzard
Real estate agents are God’s plague on mankind when locusts are out of season.
– Lewis Grizzard
Sex hasn’t been the same since women started enjoying it.
– Lewis Grizzard
She taught me an appreciation of the language. She taught a love of words, of how they should be used and how they can fill a creative soul with a passion and lead it to a life’s work.
– Lewis Grizzard
The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.
– Lewis Grizzard
The idiot who invented instant grits also thought of frozen fried chicken, and they ought to lock him up before he tries to freeze-dry collards.
– Lewis Grizzard
The most effective form of birth control known to man is a Bronx accent.
– Lewis Grizzard
The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life’s most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put rum or bourbon in it.
– Lewis Grizzard
The public, more often than not, will forgive mistakes, but it will not forgive trying to wriggle and weasel out of one.
– Lewis Grizzard
The world around me is a tuxedo, and I’m a pair of brown shoes.
– Lewis Grizzard
There is something wrong when you wait in line thirty minutes to get a hamburger that was cooked for ninety seconds an hour ago.
– Lewis Grizzard
There’s no such thing as being too Southern.
– Lewis Grizzard
What’s always been wrong with golf is, any way you slice it, golf is a dull game. The players are dull, robots carrying sticks. They don’t even spit or scratch their privates like other athletes. The spectators are dull. They applaud even when some guntz hits a good shot. The television announcers are dull, too. If Dave Marr cracks you up, you probably think Bernard Kalb is a riot.
– Lewis Grizzard
Women who drink white wine either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate, or redecorate your house. Either way, it’s expensive.
– Lewis Grizzard
You call to a dog and a dog will break its neck to get to you. Dogs just want to please. Call to a cat and its attitude is, ‘What’s in it for me?’
– Lewis Grizzard
You can’t perfume a hog.
– Lewis Grizzard
You know why they call it golf, don’t you? Because all the good four-letter words were already taken.
– Lewis Grizzard