My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel ten years
older already.
– Milton Berle
You don’t need to travel, laughter is an instant vacation.
– Milton Berle
Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.
– Milton Berle
If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door.
– Milton Berle
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
– Milton Berle
Our team lives hockey, it dreams hockey, it eats hockey. Now if it could only play hockey.
– Milton Berle
He’s so generous, he’ll go out, get two blowjobs, come back and give you one of them.
– Milton Berle
There’s one good thing about being bald: it’s neat.
– Milton Berle
I have a feeling there’s a correlation between getting up in the morning and getting up in the
world.
– Milton Berle
I gave my wife a brand new watch for Christmas – waterproof, shockproof, unbreakable, and
anti magnetic. Absolutely nothing could happen to it. She lost it.
– Milton Berle
Show me a Jewish boy who doesn’t go to medical school and I’ll show you a lawyer.
– Milton Berle
On my 85th birthday, I felt like a 20-year-old. But there wasn’t one around.
– Milton Berle
I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!
– Milton Berle
A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, “Did you miss a
step?” “No,” he answers, “I hit every one of them!”
– Milton Berle
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.
– Milton Berle
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– Milton Berle
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
– Milton Berle
I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?
– Milton Berle
We owe a lot to Thomas Edison. If it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by
candlelight.
– Milton Berle
Jews don’t drink much because it interferes with their suffering.
– Milton Berle
Folks who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election
campaign.
– Milton Berle
They’ve finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames
another computer.
– Milton Berle
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a
Jew dies.
– Milton Berle
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
– Milton Berle
I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor’s sixth husband. I know what I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know
how to make it interesting.
– Milton Berle
Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?
– Milton Berle
You can tell a man isn’t handy when he asks the man next door how to get blood off a saw.
– Milton Berle
The early bird would never catch the worm if the dumb worm slept late.
– Milton Berle
Good fishing is just a matter of timing. You have to get there yesterday.
– Milton Berle
My hometown is so dull that the drugstore sells picture postcards of other towns.
– Milton Berle
I took a physical for some life insurance. All they would give me was fire and theft.
– Milton Berle
I gave my young nephew a book for Christmas. He’s spent six months looking for where to put
the batteries.
– Milton Berle
My favourite characters in the Bible are King David, Delilah and Charlton Heston.
– Milton Berle
Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.
– Milton Berle
The company accountant is shy and retiring. He’s shy a quarter of a million dollars. That’s why
he’s retiring.
– Milton Berle