If your house is really a mess and a stranger comes to the door, greet them with, “Who could have done this? We have no enemies.”
– Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
– Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
– Phyllis Diller
Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won’t run.
– Phyllis Diller
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.
– Phyllis Diller
If it weren’t for baseball, many kids wouldn’t know what a millionaire looked like.
– Phyllis Diller
We spend the first 12 months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.
– Phyllis Diller
Housework won’t kill you, but then again, why take the chance?
– Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
– Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
– Phyllis Diller
I’ve been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
– Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
– Phyllis Diller
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
– Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
– Phyllis Diller
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age – as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
– Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
– Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, “Is this milk fresh?” He said, “Lady, three hours ago it was grass.”
– Phyllis Diller
I’m the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night – and reduce the crime rate.
– Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
– Phyllis Diller
Fang drops so much food on his ties we keep them in the refrigerator.
– Phyllis Diller
I’m at the age where my back goes out more than I do.
– Phyllis Diller
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
– Phyllis Diller
Like all good ruins, I look better by moonlight.
– Phyllis Diller
I’m eighteen years behind on my ironing. There’s no use doing it now, it doesn’t fit anyone I know.
– Phyllis Diller
Nothing was happening in the bedroom. I nicknamed our waterbed the Dead Sea.
– Phyllis Diller
If your children write their names in the dust on the furniture, don’t let them put the year.
– Phyllis Diller
My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit down.
– Phyllis Diller
I should have suspected my husband was lazy. On our wedding day, his mother told me: “I’m not losing a son; I’m gaining a couch.”
– Phyllis Diller
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.
– Phyllis Diller
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.
– Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
– Phyllis Diller
Health is what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
– Phyllis Diller
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
– Phyllis Diller
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.
– Phyllis Diller
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
– Phyllis Diller
The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.
– Phyllis Diller
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
– Phyllis Diller
There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?
– Phyllis Diller
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
– Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
– Phyllis Diller
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: Set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
– Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
– Phyllis Diller
You can say the nastiest things about yourself without offending anyone.
– Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
– Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
– Phyllis Diller
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
– Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
– Phyllis Diller
There’s so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
– Phyllis Diller
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
– Phyllis Diller
My husband, Fang, is so dumb I once said, “There’s a dead bird.” He looked up.
– Phyllis Diller
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn’t mean I’ve been to a wedding. A chinese man threw up on me.
– Phyllis Diller
It’s true Fang and I fight, but we’ve never gone to bed mad. Of course, one year we were up for three months.
– Phyllis Diller
I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.
– Phyllis Diller
When I go to the dentist, he’s the one that has to have the anesthetic.
– Phyllis Diller
I’m beginning to have morning sickness. I’m not having a baby, I’m just sick of morning.
– Phyllis Diller