In general, Nice Guys are peaceful and generous. Nice Guys are especially concerned about pleasing women and being different from other men. In a nutshell, Nice Guys believe that if they are good, giving, and caring, they will in return be happy, loved, and fullfilled. Sound
too good to be true? It is.
– Robert A. Glover
The seeking of external validation is just one way in which Nice Guys frequently do the opposite of what works. By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one – including themselves.
– Robert A. Glover
There is no “key” to a smooth life. Being “good” or doing it “right” doesn’t insulate Nice Guys from the chaotic, ever-changing realities of life. All the Nice Guy paradigm does is create wimpy men who allow bullies to kick sand in their face or shame them for loading the dishwasher “wrong.”
– Robert A. Glover
Give yourself room to fail. There are no mistakes, only learning experiences.
– Robert A. Glover
As the recovering Nice Guy begins to do good things for himself, he will feel uncomfortable. He may actually feel frightened, anxious, guilty, or confused. These feelings are the result of what is called cognitive dissonance. When the Nice Guy does something good for himself he is
doing something that implies he is valuable. This will conflict with his deeply held belief that he is worthless. As a result, he will experience dissonance – a clashing of two competing messages. In time, one of the beliefs will win. I encourage recovering Nice Guys to keep being good to themselves, no matter how frightening.
– Robert A. Glover
Consider these questions: Do you believe that people can see your human imperfections and still love you? How would you be different if you knew the people who care about you would never leave you or stop loving you – no matter what?
– Robert A. Glover
Stop blaming. Victims never succeed.
– Robert A. Glover
Recovery from the Nice Guy Syndrome isn’t about going from one extreme to another. The process of breaking free from ineffective Nice Guy patterns doesn’t involve becoming “not nice.” Rather, it means becoming “integrated.” Being integrated means being able to accept
all aspects of one’s self.
– Robert A. Glover
Nice guys are whimps. This may not sound like a nice thing to say, but it’s true.
– Robert A. Glover
If you are an adult, you are old enough to make your own rules.
– Robert A. Glover
As a consequence of playing it safe, Nice Guys experience a lot of needless suffering:
– Suffering because they avoid new situations
– Suffering because they stay with the familiar
– Suffering because they procrastinate, avoid, and fail to finish what they start
– Suffering because they make a bad situation worse by doing more of what has never worked
in the past
– Suffering because they expend so much energy trying to control the uncontrollable.
– Robert A. Glover
Contrary to the prevailing sentiments of the last few decades, it is OK to be a guy.
– Robert A. Glover
Since Nice Guys learned to sacrifice themselves in order to survive, recovery must center on learning to put themselves first and making their needs a priority. Most Nice Guys are astonished when I tell them that it is healthy to have needs, and that mature people make getting their needs met a priority. Sometimes I have to repeat this truth many times in order
for it to sink in.
– Robert A. Glover
Nice Guys interpret a woman’s approval as the ultimate validation of their worth.
– Robert A. Glover
All Nice Guys are faced with a dilemma: How can they keep the fact that they have needs
hidden, but still create situations in which they have some hope of getting their needs met?
– Robert A. Glover
Mature people take responsibility for their actions. When they make a mistake or act
inappropriately, they apologize, make amends, or repair the damage. Conversely, Nice Guys
try to fix the situations by doing whatever it takes to get the other person to stop being
upset.
– Robert A. Glover
If you do what you have always done, you will get what you have always got.
– Robert A. Glover
Nice Guys tend to be disconnected from their masculinity. I define masculinity as that part of
a man that eqips him to survive as an individual, clan, and species. Without this masculine
energy we would have all become extinct eons ago. Masculinity empowers a man to create
and produce. It also empowers him to provide for and protect those who are important to
him. These aspects of masculinity include strength, discipline, courage, passion, persistence,
and integrity.
– Robert A. Glover
Personal power isn’t the absence of fear. Even the most powerful people have fear. Personal
power is the result of feeling fear, but not giving in to the fear.
– Robert A. Glover
Whatever you do, do it one hundred percent.
– Robert A. Glover
Fathers need to take their sons hunting and fishing, work on cars with them, take them to
work, coach their teams, take them to ball games, work out with them, take them on
business trips, and let them tag along with them when they go out with the guys. All of these
activities help boys move successfully into the male world.
– Robert A. Glover
As Nice Guys stop seeking approval and stop trying to hide their perceived flaws, they open a
door to start getting what they really want in love and life.
– Robert A. Glover
Seeking women’s approval gives women the power to set the tone of the relationship. Nice
Guys constantly report that their own moods are often tied to the moods of their partner. If
she is happy and doing OK, so is he. If she is angry, depressed, or stressed, he will feel
anxious until she feels better. This connection runs so deep that many Nice Guys have told
me that they feel guilty if they are in a good mood when their partner is not.
– Robert A. Glover
If it frightens you, do it.
– Robert A. Glover
One of the most visible consequences of the repression of masculine energy in Nice Guys is
their lack of leadership in their families. Out of fear of upsetting their partner or appearing too
much like their controlling, authoritarian, or abusive fathers, Nice Guys frequently fail to be
the leader their family needs.
– Robert A. Glover
Recovering Nice Guys can show their daughters what a real man looks like. Girls benefit by
seeing their fathers set boundaries, ask for what they want in clear and direct ways, work
hard, create, produce, have male friends, and make their own needs a priority. As with little
boys, girls can learn what it means to be a male both by watching their fathers and by
interacting with them. This modeling will have a positive influence on their choice of future
partners.
– Robert A. Glover