Every morning I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America.
If I’m not there, I go to work.
– Robert Orben
Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know
which way is down.
– Robert Orben
I understand the big food companies are developing a tearless onion. I think they can do
it – after all, they’ve already given us tasteless bread.
– Robert Orben
The best birthdays of all are those that haven’t arrived yet.
– Robert Orben
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
– Robert Orben
More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems, back taxes, back rent,
back auto payments.
– Robert Orben
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.
– Robert Orben
Love is so confusing – you tell a girl she looks great and what’s the first thing you do? Turn
out the lights!
– Robert Orben
Don’t smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We’re all on the road
to the grave – but there’s no need to be in the passing lane.
– Robert Orben
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major
credit cards.
– Robert Orben
New Yorkers are so impersonal, if it wasn’t for muggings there wouldn’t be any contact at all!
– Robert Orben
My wife never lies about her age. She just tells everyone she’s as old as I am. Then she lies
about my age.
– Robert Orben
I don’t see why religion and science can’t get along. What’s wrong with counting our blessings
with a computer?
– Robert Orben
What if the meek inherited the Earth and we had to defend ourselves from Martians?
– Robert Orben
A graduation ceremony is an event where the commencement speaker tells thousands of
students dressed in identical caps and gowns that “individuality” is the key to success.
– Robert Orben
There are days when it takes all you’ve got just to keep up with the losers.
– Robert Orben
It’s amazing how important your job is when you want the day off – and how unimportant it is
when you want a raise.
– Robert Orben
Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
– Robert Orben
Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.
– Robert Orben
Quit worrying about your health. It’ll go away.
– Robert Orben
The Playboy calendar this year has some tip-top models. Any more top and they’d tip.
– Robert Orben
There are only two kinds of people in this world. The realists and the dreamers. The realists
know where they are going and the dreamers have already been there.
– Robert Orben
Things are getting so confused out there, they ought to call it the Muddle East.
– Robert Orben
All rock ‘n’ roll singers sound like a nudist backing into a cold-nosed dog – set to music.
– Robert Orben
If those scientists are all so smart, why do they all count backwards?
– Robert Orben
To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
– Robert Orben
I had a terrible fight with my wife on New Year’s Eve. She called me a procrastinator. So I
finished addressing the Christmas cards and left.
– Robert Orben
Have you noticed when you go on a diet, the first thing you lose is your temper?
– Robert Orben
Remember the days when you let your child have some chocolate if he finished his cereal?
Now, chocolate is one of the cereals.
– Robert Orben
I may be forty, but every morning when I get up, I feel like a twenty-year-old. Unfortunately,
there’s never one around.
– Robert Orben
I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home.
– Robert Orben
Sometimes I get the feeling the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that’s not
true. Some smaller countries are neutral.
– Robert Orben
Time flies. It is up to you to be the navigator.
– Robert Orben
I got a Valentine’s Day card from my girl. It said, “Take my heart! Take my arms! Take my
lips!” Which is just like her. Keeping the best part for herself.
– Robert Orben
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
– Robert Orben