Divorce comes from the latin word divorcerum meaning “to have your genitals torn through
your wallet.”
– Robin Williams
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
– Robin Williams
Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
– Robin Williams
If you have a parrot, do not leave them in the bedroom. They hear everything. All of a
sudden, you’ll have guests over for dinner and the parrot will go “not the ass!”
– Robin Williams
If women ran the world, there would not be wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
– Robin Williams
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but only enough blood supply to run one at a time.
– Robin Williams
Politics: Poli, a Latin word meaning many; and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.
– Robin Williams
I have a GPS in my car. I was driving across the Golden Gate Bridge, I was halfway across,
and all of a sudden the car went “take a right turn.”
– Robin Williams
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is
losing a trailer.
– Robin Williams
The thing women like most in bed is breakfast.
– Robin Williams
I walked into my son’s room the other day, and he’s got four screens going at the same time.
He’s watching a movie on one screen, playing a game on another, downloading something on
this one, texting on that one, people say “He’s got ADD.” Fuck that, he’s multitasking.
– Robin Williams
Comedy is acting out optimism.
– Robin Williams
I used to think the worst thing in life is to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is
to end up with people who make you feel all alone.
– Robin Williams
Reality is just a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.
– Robin Williams
The Second Amendment! It says you have the right to bear arms, you have the right to arm
bears, whatever the hell you want to do!
– Robin Williams
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
– Robin Williams
You have this myth, as the father, that if you’re there at the birth, you’re sharing the birthing
experience. Unless you’re opening an umbrella up your ass, I don’t think so.
– Robin Williams
Shakespeare wrote, “Kill all the lawyers.” That was before agents.
– Robin Williams
Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your
child as an adult saying, “I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award.” The other is,
“You want fries with that?”
– Robin Williams
Marriage is a triumph of imagination over intelligence.
– Robin Williams
People say satire is dead. It is not dead. It’s alive and living in the White House.
– Robin Williams
The first time I ate whole-grain bread I swear it tasted like roofing material.
– Robin Williams
And you know that if they legalize it, they’ll have to regulate it, which means that they’ll
have to put a message on a box of joints, it’ll say, “Surgeon General has determined this will
make your music… awesome! Even Yanni. And if you think you liked cartoons before…”
– Robin Williams
You will have bad times, but they will always wake you up to the stuff you weren’t paying
attention to.
– Robin Williams
Some are born great. Some achieve greatness. Some get it as a graduation gift.
– Robin Williams
I like my wine like my women: ready to pass out.
– Robin Williams
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don’t have a gun and you don’t have a gun. If
you commit a crime, the police will say, “Stop, or I’ll say stop again.”
– Robin Williams
If you want comedy, there is always Sarah Palin.
– Robin Williams
The definition of pornography is quite simple. Erotic is using a feather, pornography is using
the entire chicken.
– Robin Williams
And some people say Jesus wasn’t Jewish. Of course he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives
with his parents, come on! He works in his father’s business, his mom thought he was God’s
gift, he’s Jewish! Give it up!
– Robin Williams
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.
– Robin Williams
Spring is nature’s way of saying: “Let’s party!”
– Robin Williams
Politicians are a lot like diapers. They should be changed frequently, and for the same
reasons.
– Robin Williams
Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not
good.
– Robin Williams
You’ll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheney is drinking water.
– Robin Williams
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King
would just be a head on a fucking stick.
– Robin Williams
Cricket is basically baseball on Valium.
– Robin Williams
Being a functioning alcoholic is kind of like being a paraplegic lap dancer – you can do it, just
not as well as the others, really.
– Robin Williams
Ballet is a bunch of men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
– Robin Williams
Cocaine for me was a place to hide. Most people get hyper on coke. It slowed me down.
Sometimes it made me paranoid and impotent, but mostly it just made me withdrawn.
– Robin Williams
I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.
– Robin Williams
There is one man that we can run for office that even the French would say “Fuck off!” That
man is… Jack Nicholson. Yes! You will never have a sex scandal with Jack because he has
fucked everyone!
– Robin Williams
You’re only given a little spark of madness. Don’t lose it.
– Robin Williams
A lot of people are into body piercing. They end up looking like they’ve been mugged by a
staple gun.
– Robin Williams
The definition of insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome. And we
elected him the second time, the whole world went “what the fuck is going on with you
people?”
– Robin Williams
In the dictionary under redundant it says see redundant.
– Robin Williams
If you have an older relative living with you that has dementia, and the telemarketers are
calling, put her on the phone with the telemarketers.
– Robin Williams
If it’s the psychic network, why do they need a phone number?
– Robin Williams