Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher
and my wife.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Last week some guy pulled a knife on me, but I could tell it wasn’t a real professional job.
There was still butter on it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don’t make it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My uncles dying wish was to have me sit in his lap – he was in the electric chair.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He said, “Were a brown tie.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much. Last time I gave a urine sample there was an olive in it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over – nobody was
home.
– Rodney Dangerfield

One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked. I said, “Hey buddy, why are you doing
that?” He said, “Cause you came home early!”
– Rodney Dangerfield

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my
glass.
– Rodney Dangerfield

They say “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” What am I supposed to do? Jerk him off too?
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll
her back into the water.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.
– Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I went to Switzerland and got an obscene yodel.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I have good-looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says “Shut the f..k up!”
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on
the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I said to my psychiatrist, “I keep thinking I’m a dog.” He told me to get off his couch.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth:
That she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
– Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”
– Rodney Dangerfield

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher
out of the window.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I have Olympic sex. Once every four years.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in the library. I woke up and a blind man was
reading my face.
– Rodney Dangerfield

It’s great to have grey hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to my wife, “To the best woman a man ever had.” The
waiter joined me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all
about money.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, “There goes the neighbourhood!”
– Rodney Dangerfield

After making love to this girl she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the
morning?” “No, I hate myself now!”
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a slingshot.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them. They said it wasn’t enough.
– Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren’t for pick-pockets, I’d have no sex life at all.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s
fingers.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave me one with four cavities.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a massage parlor, it was self-service.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He
said, “On your mark…”
– Rodney Dangerfield

Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I’m a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that after she sat on someone’s lap we had to look for him in the crack of her
ass.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My mother has morning sickness after I was born.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons
to learn to sit up.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for
it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I have a son in college. He’s majoring in F…..g up.
– Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid, I had no friends. If I wanted to play on the seesaw, I had to keep running
from one end to the other.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the
toaster.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to
have a few drinks and get some rest.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over
your head in case the bag over her head comes off.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone
hasn’t met me yet.
– Rodney Dangerfield

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me
to run off a cliff.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I are getting remarried. Our divorce didn’t work out.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents. “Do you think we’ll find them?” “I don’t
know, there’s so many places to hide.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Boy, were we poor! If I wasn’t born a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
– Rodney Dangerfield

One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is – he took me to my house.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife’s favourite position is back to back.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night and an ice hockey game broke out.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I told him I want a second opinion. He said, “Okay,
you’re ugly too.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
– Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing
everything we can to keep our marriage together.
– Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at
me.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My old man, he carries around the picture of the kid that came with the wallet.
– Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I have no self-confidence. When girls say yes, I tell them to think it over.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My dog is so lazy. He doesn’t chase cars, he just sits on the kerb, taking down license plate
numbers.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I told my mom I was gonna run away from home. She said, “On your marks…”
– Rodney Dangerfield

I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment she yelled, “Rape!” They
yelled, “Nooooo!”
– Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Some people go to India to find the mystery of life. I’m still trying to figure out how to start
my car.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But I
never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I bought a perfect second car – a tow truck.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She looked at my calendar and wanted to know who JUNE was.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was old too! When she went to school they didn’t have history.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife gives good headache.
– Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.
– Rodney Dangerfield

You know you’re old when your family talk about you in front of you. “What are we going to
do with Pop? We have company tonight.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

A psychiatrist told me and my wife that we should have sex every night. Now we never see
each other.
– Rodney Dangerfield

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a
hotel.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a see-through negligee.
Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I find there is only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
– Rodney Dangerfield

He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
– Rodney Dangerfield

We learned sexual technique from our dog. He taught me how to beg, and he taught my wife
how to roll over and play dead.
– Rodney Dangerfield

She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
– Rodney Dangerfield

You don’t know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He
never went to a nude beach.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
– Rodney Dangerfield

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her, “You cooked it, you take it out.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, “Surprise me” I said, so
he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at an age when food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror
put over my kitchen table.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I say “no” to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, “no!”
– Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly as a kid, when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom
of it.
– Rodney Dangerfield

Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, “No, but I did
get the license number.”
– Rodney Dangerfield

My cousin’s gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
– Rodney Dangerfield

If it weren’t for speed bumps, pickpockets and frisking at airports, I’d have no sex life at all.
– Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
– Rodney Dangerfield

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
– Rodney Dangerfield