Men read maps better than women because only a male mind could conceive of an inch
equalling a hundred miles.
– Roseanne Barr
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month
that I can be myself.
– Roseanne Barr
You may marry the man of your dreams, but fourteen years later, you’re married to a couch
that burps.
– Roseanne Barr
People say to me, “You’re not very feminine.” Well, they can just suck my dick.
– Roseanne Barr
If it wasn’t for gay men, fat women would have no one to dance with.
– Roseanne Barr
People are so rude to smokers. You’d think they’d try to be nicer to people who are dying.
– Roseanne Barr
I’ve quit smoking. I feel better, I smell better, and it’s safer to drink out of old beer cans
around the house.
– Roseanne Barr
I like kinky sex with chocolate. I call it S&M&M.
– Roseanne Barr
Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
– Roseanne Barr
I do a lot of reading about serial killers, mostly How To books.
– Roseanne Barr
When I get a lot of tension and headaches, I do what it says on the aspirin bottle: take two
and keep away from children.
– Roseanne Barr
The fastest way to a man’s heart is through his chest.
– Roseanne Barr
Did you hear about the woman who stabbed her husband 37 times? I admire her restraint.
– Roseanne Barr
I love my kids. Of course, I’d trade any one of them for a dishwasher.
– Roseanne Barr
The way I figure it, whenn my husband comes home from work, if the kids are still alive, I’ve
done my job.
– Roseanne Barr
I made my first million the old-fashioned way. I made a hundred million for somebody else.
– Roseanne Barr
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you’re
feeling festive?
– Roseanne Barr
I approach reading reviews the way some people anticipate anal warts.
– Roseanne Barr
I got real nervous about my health so I started smoking again – ’cause I need something to
calm me down.
– Roseanne Barr
Becoming a grandmother is great fun because you can use the kid to get back at your
daughter.
– Roseanne Barr
All human beings connect sex and love – except for men.
– Roseanne Barr
Excuse the mess, but we live here.
– Roseanne Barr
Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach. Those who can’t teach, teach gym. Those who
can’t teach gym, become experts.
– Roseanne Barr
They say that lesbians hate men, but why on earth would a lesbian hate men? They don’t
have to fuck them.
– Roseanne Barr
I’m not upset about my divorce. I’m only upset I’m not a widow.
– Roseanne Barr
I know how to do anything – I’m a mom.
– Roseanne Barr
I’m fat and proud of it. If someone asks me how my diet is going, I say. “Fine, how was your
lobotomy?”
– Roseanne Barr
That’s what’s wrong with the world right now – old men on Viagra, doing what they shouldn’t
be doing and doing it for too damn long.
– Roseanne Barr
My husband said he needed more space. So I locked him outside.
– Roseanne Barr
I asked the sales assistant in the clothing store if she had anything to make me look thinner,
and she said, “”How about a week in Ethiopia?”
– Roseanne Barr
There’s only one way to look thin – hang out with fat people.
– Roseanne Barr
I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people… that’s why I don’t like any of them.
– Roseanne Barr
I will clean the house when Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
– Roseanne Barr
A good man doesn’t just happen. They have to be created by us women. A guy is a lump like
a doughnut.
– Roseanne Barr
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won’t hit you because you are a
vegetarian.
– Roseanne Barr
If things get worse, I’ll have to ask you to stop helping me.
– Roseanne Barr
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
– Roseanne Barr
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger
we are, the more space we’ll take up, and the more we’ll have to be reckoned with.
– Roseanne Barr
I don’t call myself a feminist. I call myself a killer bitch.
– Roseanne Barr
You wanna hear my personal opinion on prostitution? If men knew how to do it, they wouldn’t
have to pay for it.
– Roseanne Barr
I screamed a lot, but it was that or firearms.
– Roseanne Barr
The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
– Roseanne Barr
It’s okay to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
– Roseanne Barr
Do men who like to dress up as women find they can no longer parallel park?
– Roseanne Barr