I’ve decided to take up a life of crime, but I can’t decide which political party to join.
– Roy Chubby Brown
We bought a Suzuki jeep and the wife turned it over. I said, “How did it happen?” She said,
“There was a pine tree and I went to the left and it swung to the left, I went to the right
and it swung to the right.” I said, “It was the air-freshener, you twat.”
– Roy Chubby Brown
The wife and I have been arguing about where to go on our holidays. I want to go to
Tenerife. And she wants to come with me.
– Roy Chubby Brown
My favourite drink is a cocktail of carrot juice and whiskey. I am always drunk but I can see
for miles.
– Roy Chubby Brown
You can’t get on an airplane just because of the bastards. They go up with hairspray,
make-up. What are these terrorists? F***ing drag queens?
– Roy Chubby Brown
It was our son that kept our marriage together. Neither of us wanted custody of him.
– Roy Chubby Brown
They still haven’t found Osama Bin Laden. Why don’t they give his name to the Child Support
Agency? They’ll find him.
– Roy Chubby Brown
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
– Roy Chubby Brown
At the unemployment exchange, my father gave his occupation as an astronaut but not
prepared to travel.
– Roy Chubby Brown
If there’s an atomic war, this country will be flattened in three minutes. Good. Time to f***
the wife. Twice.
– Roy Chubby Brown
We were so poor we couldn’t even afford a proper lavatory brush. We had to tie my pet
hedgehog to a stick and tell him to hold his breath.
– Roy Chubby Brown
My wife came home and said she had some good news and some bad news about the car. I
said, “What’s the good news?” She said, “The airbag works.”
– Roy Chubby Brown
He was so thick he couldn’t tell which way a lift was going if he got two guesses.
– Roy Chubby Brown
A homeless person said, “I haven’t had anything to eat for two days.” I said, “I wish I had
your willpower.”
– Roy Chubby Brown