My children won’t even eat chips because some know-all bastard at school told them a potato was a vegetable.
– Victoria Wood
Sexual harassment at work… is it a problem for the self-employed?
– Victoria Wood
Foreplay is like beefburgers – three minutes on each side.
– Victoria Wood
When I told jokes about cystitis, people would write in and say, “I’ve got cystitis and it isn’t funny,” so I would reply, “Well, send it back and ask for one that is.”
– Victoria Wood
A man is designed to walk three miles in the rain to phone for help when the car breaks down, and a woman is designed to say, “You took your time” when he comes back dripping wet.
– Victoria Wood
I once went to one of those parties where everyone throws their car keys into the middle of the room. I don’t know who got my moped but I’ve been driving that Peugeot for years.
– Victoria Wood
I thought Coq au Vin was love in a lorry.
– Victoria Wood
People think I hate sex. I don’t. I just don’t like things that stop you seeing the television properly.
– Victoria Wood
I’ve got a degree, does that mean I have to spend my life with intellectuals? I’ve also got a life-saving certificate, but I don’t spend my evenings diving for a rubber brick with my pyjamas on.
– Victoria Wood
A minor operation is one performed on somebody else.
– Victoria Wood
Radio killed variety and TV killed radio, and the internet will kill television and it will go on and on.
– Victoria Wood
Tony Blair puts two poems in a bus shelter and calls it a university.
– Victoria Wood
I’m all for killing animals and turning them into handbags. I just don’t want to have to eat them.
– Victoria Wood
I sometimes think that being widowed is God’s way of telling you to come off the pill.
– Victoria Wood
The first day I met my producer, she said, “I’m a radical feminist lesbian.” I thought what would the Queen Mum do? So I just smiled and said, “We shall have fog by tea-time.”
– Victoria Wood
My boyfriend had a sex manual but he was dyslexic. I was lying there and he was looking for my vinegar.
– Victoria Wood
It will be a traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, door slamming and people bursting into tears, but without the dead thing in the middle. We’re vegetarians.
– Victoria Wood